It's Time For Mystery FanFic Theater 2010
Jun. 19th, 2010 11:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crossover_chickOkay folks, here it is -- have a sporking!
Victor: Oh, no, back again.
Alice: What is it this time? More instructional pamphlets, or bad fanfic?
Bad fanfic – somebody posted a new stinker to the Corpse Bride section of FF.net, and when I read it, I knew it would be perfect for you two.
Alice: Aah. One of these days, you really ought to do a fic from my canon.
I know – it’s not like I don’t have material to work with. But first, this fic. It really is bad, so I’m giving you some help this time!
Victor: Really? Who?
Victoria: *shy wave* Hello Victor.
Emily: *waves* Hello.
Alice: . . . Hello. This is a bit awkward.
Victor: *going for his tie* H-hello.
Emily: Please relax, we don’t bite. And we do have a Victor of our own, you know.
Alice: I know, but this is still a little strange.
Victoria: I thought you liked strange.
Alice: It depends on the strange.
Victor: I’m so s-sorry you two h-had to be d-dragged into this.
Victoria: Oh, no, it’s fine. I’m just worried we won’t be as good as you and Alice.
Only one way to find out. Fanfic sign in three – two – one!
Corpse Bride
Alice: Very original title there.
INTRODUCTION
Dear Diary,
I Victoria Belle
Victoria: Who??
Emily: You wouldn’t think Everglot would be a name a person forgot.
will be getting married tomorrow. I do not love my husband, but if I dare say a word of unpleasantness, I will be punished by the queen and punished by my parents.
Alice: Queen Victoria herself is going to come and punish you? I didn’t know the Everglots – or the “Belles” – were that far up in the world.
Victor: Well, she has to make sure that her royal first name remains unsullied, you know.
"Arguing," My mother used to say, "is very un lady like." The same as playing music. "Too passionate" she says. But even thought I love listening to my own butler, James, play the piano, I want to play. With no one around me. To criticize me. Just play without being slapped or locked in my room. To have freedom. The freedom to be with my love Elijah Vendor.
Victor: Wait, who?
Emily: Elijah? We’re sure this is a fic from our canon?
Victoria: Maybe it explains below. . . .
Victoria Belle is the only daughter of a couple who hate each other. It is too hard for a twenty year old.
Alice: . . . What? Does anyone here know what that sentence means?
Victor: I’m just waiting until someone mentions the “scent of the gods.”
*Victor and Alice burst out giggling while Victoria and Emily look on, baffled*
In fact, her family doesn't even have any money. She is marrying her fiancé Barkis Simmons.
Alice: As opposed to a complete stran – oh, wait, that’s usually the same thing in your world. Never mind.
Victor: I will give the author this, at least they remembered Barkis is his first name. It’s rather annoying to see Victoria referred to as “Lady Barkis” in some of the alternate ending fics. Insult added to the injury of keeping her married to the man.
He is a very demanding man looking for his way every single time. Loving him is a very hard task.
Emily: *embarrassed* Less hard than you might think.
Victoria: *pats hand*
There is this young man named Elijah Vendor.
Alice: He’s supposed to be named Victor Van Dort, but we’re going to ignore that for now.
He is very sweet. But he is a very poor, young too.
Victoria: He is a very poor – what?
Emily: Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?
He is 17. He would deliver fish and other food for Victoria's small dysfunctional family. They would both smile at each other time to time with crimson all across their faces.
Alice: That makes it sound like you’re like me, with the blood.
Emily: I do hear Victoria wields a mean fireplace poker.
Victoria: The only thing I used it on was the doorknob.
1
Victoria sat on the piano chair that she was banned from. No one was around. Not even her parents.
Alice: I believe we established that with the “no one was around.”
She looked at the keys on the piano. It had no dust or dimness on each key.
Victor: Er – I’m sorry, but that sentence just does not work.
She could she her reflection. Slowly and gently, her fingers touched the high pitched keys. It made soft sounds. She smiled, then all of a sudden, a slap came across her face with her mother in front of her.
Victor: Gah! Since when can your mother appear out of thin air?
Victoria: Actually, she was rather good at catching me being naughty when I was young. . .
Victoria fell to the ground, covering her face with her hand. She was shaking looking up to her mother.
"You peasant! You are not allowed to be at the piano! You are not acting like a lady! Slip up one more time, and you are out of here. We won't have to waste another penny on you,"
Emily: Does that sound like your mother, Victoria?
Victoria: Actually, it sounds worse. I don’t think Mother would ever have seriously considered throwing me out for merely trying to play the piano.
Victor: Peasant is really the worst insult she can come up with?
Victoria: Mother’s not known for being very creative.
She walked away. Victoria was still on the floor. Tears came from her eyes and she ran up to her room. She laid on her bed grabbing her diary and she started writing this:
Alice: “Soon, the day of reckoning will come. . . .”
Victoria: Please stop doing that scary voice.
Dear Diary,
I hate my mother with all of my hate ness
*everyone bursts into laughter*
Victor: *snickering* Your “hateness?” What is “hateness?”
Victoria: *covering her mouth, voice muffled a bit* What I hate with, what else?
Alice: I have a feeling this author owes a large debt to the Department of Redundancy Department.
She slaps me around leaving me in tears and solemn.
Emily: Er, “solemn” isn’ the same as “miserable,” dear author.
My father, won't even care about me even if I was taken away from them . I hate my life, but not as much to destroy it. I love myself and Elijah,
Victor: Oh, so poor Elijah only comes second place?
Emily: She needs the extra room in her heart for her “hateness.”
I wouldn't want to break his heart with suicide.
A tear came from Victoria's eyes and it landed on the paper.
Alice: *deadpan* Gripping.
The doorbell rang. Victoria ran from her room and into the main entrance of the door.
Emily: Main entrance of the – did she run into the door itself?
Victor: Please, Victoria, leave such clumsiness to me.
James opened the door. It was Elijah. She smiled and ran down the steps. She ran up to him, her hands sweating.
Alice: Wait – how is this house set up? Is she outside now, or–
Victor: I think you’ll find it doesn’t really matter.
"Hello…Elijah. I-I was expecting to see you. I didn't know deliveries came on Thursday," She said.
Victoria: You just said you were expecting to see him.
Alice: Common typo, I’m afraid.
Elijah took off his hat looking at her.
"W-well, since it's your wedding day tomorrow, they sent me to deliver food to you all. You know…wedding rehearsals."
"Oh. I always dreamed of my wedding day. But not like this. I want to marry someone I love. Don't you think that's alright?" A flirtatious eye appeared on her face.
Alice: Ack! She’s turning into a mutant!
Victor: Elijah promptly screamed and ran off into the night. Or mid-afternoon.
Elijah blushed.
"Y-yes. It is absolutely right." A noise came from the west drawing room. It was her mother and father arguing the mother ran out of the room.
Victoria: Punctuation is your friend, author. You shouldn’t be abusing it like this.
Alice: And again I ask, where is this taking place?
She saw the two.
"What impropriety is this? You shouldn't be alone together! Rehearsals are important! Barkis is waiting for you," She yelled. Victoria walked to the room looking back at Elijah. Victoria's mother pushed her.
When Victoria walked in the room, she saw her fiancé's parents, her dad, and Pastor Boswell
Victoria: Boswell?
Alice: Just go with it.
looking at her. She was super nervous.
Victor: Yes, she was totally nervous, dude. *notices the others staring at him* What?
Alice: You’ve been around Doc and Marty too long.
"You are getting married so I suppose you are a first timer," Pastor Boswell said.
Emily: First – timer? For what?
Victor: *suddenly goes pale* Oh, God, I just thought of that first pamphlet –
Alice: Puppies! Think of puppies!
"I am a professional on weddings young lady. Do not make me angry." He pointed his finger in Victoria's face. She gulped.
"Alright young man, start making your lines."
Victor: Here’s some drawing paper and a pen.
Barkis picked up the candle and said his vows.
"With this candle, I will light your way in darkness," Barkis picked up the wine glass that sat on the table. "Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine."
Victor: And here is where Pastor “Boswells” hits you over the head with his scepter. Even I remembered the candle line didn’t come first.
Emily: If you’re going to use our vows, at least put them in the right order!
Victoria remembered the vows because she practiced saying them to Elijah secretly. Victoria raised her hand.
"W-with this hand, I will lift your sorrows." Victoria glanced and saw Elijah standing in the door way. "This hand…I…
Victoria: I think that actually comes first – can we start over?
I… I'm sorry." Victoria ran out of the room toward Elijah.
"Come with me." She said. She lead him to her bedroom.
Alice: You’re eager.
Victoria: Alice!
She grabbed her diary and walked out of the room. Elijah followed. Victoria and Elijah were walking down the steps when her mother stopped her by grabbing her wrist.
"Where on Earth do you think you're going?" Her mother said. Victoria glanced at her and then Barkis.
"Away from you." She ran with Elijah running out the door.
Alice: You don’t have to constantly repeat things, author, we got the point the first time you said “ran.”
Victoria: I must admit, I wish I’d had the nerve to do this at my wedding to Barkis.
Victor: *gently teasing* What, run away with a man named Elijah?
Victoria: You know what I mean.
Emily: I wish I’d done that.
Victoria was free at last. For now.
Alice: Dun dun dunnn!
2
Dear Diary,
Victoria: I’m still trying to figure out if I’m in the movie Corpse Bride or not.
I am finally with my love Elijah. But for me to make it into this world I need money. My boyfriend Elijah
Alice: Please stop repeating things, author. We’re not stupid.
is still working at the fish market, but I told him he needs another job to earn more money.
Alice: I suppose it’s logical enough, but I still want to make “so you decided to work your boyfriend to death” joke.
So he is now a chauffer on horse and carriage. I am sure he will do well.
As for me, I and Elijah are living in a small house near the old Harrisburg Cemetery.
Victor: O.O Cohabiting b-before marriage?!
Alice: Technically, that’s what we do.
Victor: The Inkwell is different, it’s more like a boarding house. And we still probably wouldn’t get away with it back in our own time period.
Victoria: And I certainly wouldn’t agree to it!
A weird location you may say, but it's all I can do since I don't have enough money for a real home.
Elijah was cutting fish at his part time job. He and the other men on the job were talking. "Well, I don't know Eli, me boy. You should just ask her straight from the heart. You know, when I proposed to my wife, she dropped all the way to the ground. A busty and big woman can make a big ground noise when she fall," One of his friend says.
Alice: I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware the fish industry employed trolls.
Victor: Actually, when I consider some of the people Father hired. . . .
Elijah took out the ring he made himself out of gold from his pocket.
Emily: Oh, it’s not good enough that he merely bought a lovely ring, he has to make one by hand.
Meanwhile at the old house. Victoria was washing dishes when she heard a peculiar noise.
"All's well it ends well." The noise she heard. Victoria grew quiet and more cautious. But when the noises stopped. She began washing dishes again.
Victor: Wait, what? What just happened? Was that Victoria speaking, or–?
Victoria: I haven’t the slightest idea.
Emily: Are we sure English is this person’s first language?
Alice: *checks* I’m not sure. Her profile lists her location as the USA.
The sunset came and Elijah was walking back home through the cemetery when he took the ring he was going to give to Victoria out of his pocket. He started saying the vows he heard at the rehearsal. "With this…hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty for I will be your wine.
Emily: *nods approvingly* Now that’s more like –
For now… I ask you to be mine!" He yelled.
Emily: – it.
Alice: You’ve forgotten the part about the candle!
Victor: *softly* At least he didn’t say “With this hand, I will cup your--”
He saw a stick in the ground that looked like a hand. He put the ring on the stick. Then all of a sudden, the wind started to blow and the crows made noises. Elijah looked back while the stick moved. The wind grew stronger and the crows made even louder noises.
Alice: Then the wind grew even stronger and the crows made really loud noises!
Then, the stick hand grabbed Elijah's hand and dragged him into the ground. Elijah pulled himself up and grabbed his hand that was in the ground. The stick was so strong, he fell back even though he was very strong. He started yelling Victoria's name. "Victoria!" He called. "Victoria come save me! Someone! Help!"
Victor: . . . I suddenly feel a lot better about my own near panic attack when Emily first grabbed hold of me. Thank you very much, author.
Girls: *giggling*
His yelp was very loud. Victoria could hear him along the road. She dropped the dishes and ran outside following Elijah screams.
Alice: I thought his last name was Vendor.
Emily: That’s a bit of a reach.
Alice: I know.
Victoria ran like the wind. Looking carefully, she tried to find Elijah in the darkness. Then she saw him struggling to get away from the hand. She grabbed him pulling him away. The root of the hand grew longer and the ground started to crumble. They both got away and the hand was still around Elijah's wrist. It was a whole arm in bones!
Emily: You yanked off my entire arm?!
Victor: To be fair, this is the result of two people pulling, not just one.
Victoria and Elijah gasped. The ground shook and the wind was at tornado speed.
Alice: Everyone was swept away in the resulting storm. The end!
And a body rose from the grave with head first.
Emily: Well, rising feet first would make it rather difficult to properly stand.
Alice: Not to mention giving everyone a – show.
Victor: *twists tie*
The body's other hand grabbed the dirt from the Earth's surface to stand up. It was a corpse.
Alice: Oh no, we would have never guessed that before! Don’t all living people lie under the ground with a skeletal hand sticking out?
That was wearing a wedding dress! She took out her hand with her eyes looking like she was seeing though him.
All: . . . Huh?!
Her eyes were so wide and big that her pupils looked like black freckles on a face. Walking toward him, Victoria ran up to the corpse and started hitting her.
Victor: From what I’ve heard, the appropriate thing to say here is “CATFIGHT!”
The bride hit her so hard, she fell to the ground knocked out.
Victoria: Oooh. Emily, remind me never to make you angry.
Emily: Too bad you didn’t have your poker.
As for Elijah, he started to run toward the bridge to town.
Victor: Oh, go ahead, leave Victoria behind. It’s just the woman you love lying there unconscious in the middle of a cemetery.
Looking back the corpse was right behind him! He slipped and fell on the hard concrete. He got up with blood on the side of his head. He was okay.
Alice: And the point of that little interlude was. . . ?
Elijah looked toward the woods and no corpse to be found. He turned around then…the corpse was standing right in front of him.
Victor: Emily, how did you do that?
Emily: Trade secret.
He backed up until he bumped onto the ledge of the bridge. The bride got closer and whispered the words: "You may kiss the bride." She kissed him softly when he fainted and blacked out.
Alice: Why oh why does this author feel compelled to state everything twice?
Victoria: Perhaps she’s trying to ensure dead people would understand – oh, do forgive me, Emily!
Emily: *laughs* No, no, that’s fine. Some of the people I’ve met Downstairs WOULD need that sort of treatment.
3
Voices were going non-stop in the background. A shake came from a town villager. Victoria was lying on the ground. Then she woke up.
Victoria: Did we just switch perspectives in the middle of that paragraph?
Victor: I’m starting to wonder if the author isn’t perhaps throwing random sentences together in hopes they’ll form a narrative.
"Are you okay?" An old woman asked her. She struggled to get up.
"Where's E-Elijah?" Victoria said. The town villagers helped her to her home.
Victoria: Nobody’s going to answer me? How rude.
Alice: I just hope they don’t realize you share your house with a man who isn’t your husband. Then you’ll know rude.
Victoria was laying in her bed when the old woman tucked her in bed.
Alice: WE GET IT. STOP REPEATING THINGS.
"Where's Elijah?" Victoria asked once again. The old woman looked at Victoria with a puzzled look in her face.
Alice: *buries face in hands*
"You mean Elijah Vendor? Oh dear, he was reported missing early this morning." Victoria rose from her bed quickly.
"What?" She asked.
Elijah was passed out when the corpse bride woke him up by slapping his cheek softly.
Victor: Gah! Would you please warn us when you’re going to switch scenes?
"Well he must be still sleeping." The bride said.
Emily: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Elijah opened his eyes.
"Where am I?" Elijah asked. A skeleton got in his face and said, "Well hello! A new arrival!" Elijah screamed and got up from the floor.
"Who are you people? Where am I?" Elijah asked. He looked at everyone in the room. They were people. But they were dead.
Alice: Everyone is Captain Obvious in this fic. Even – especially – the narrator.
He stepped back when he bumped into a skeleton.
"Hey watch it." One said.
Victor: The skeleton’s name is One?
Alice: He must have had parents who were desperate to name their child something “unique.”
The corpse walked up to him.
"Elijah, you're in the underworld." She said. He eyes opened wide.
"No. No, no, no! This isn't the underworld! This is hell!
Victor: Er – technically, that is still the underworld.
I've died and went to hell! Victoria! Victoria!" The corpse shook him.
"No silly! You're not dead! And this isn't you-know-what.
Emily: I can say the word “hell!” Hell hell hell hell hell.
Alice: Aaand our rating for this sporking just went up to PG-13.
I brought you down here because I wanted you to meet my close friends. We're having a reception!"
"A reception? Who's getting married?" The corpse laughed and so did everyone else.
Alice: You know, author, you can just put “Everyone laughed,” and we’ll understand what you mean.
"Me and you!" The corpse showed his wedding ring to her. He gasped.
"I'm sorry to tell you this but I didn't marry you." The music stopped every dead person looked at him.
Victoria: I don’t know which is worse – the run-ons or the fragments.
Victor: Well, he certainly wasted no time in telling her.
Emily: Why didn’t you?
Victor: I was in shock at first, and then I was trying to figure out how to break the news gently.
"What do ya' mean you didn't marry her?" A zombie that was accidentally cut in half spoke. "You currently just said your vows, put the ring on her finger and kissed her!"
"No, no! I didn't want to marry you! I was practicing to marry my true love Victoria" Elijah yelled.
Alice: And that’s the end of the movie right there, isn’t it?
Victor: Ah, also a good reason as to why I didn’t speak up right away.
The corpse shed a tear and ran away into the back of the building. Elijah tried to go after her, but the zombies blocked his path.
"You've done a terrible thing to her." A skeleton said. Elijah was terrified. The people drew closer.
"I'm sorry! I didn't know!" Every dead person that charged toward him stopped.
"Wait a minute." A small little dead girl said. "How did you not know that you were getting married?
Emily: It might be helpful if you explained how you didn’t realize my arm was an arm.
Alice: *eye twitching slightly* Small – little –
You must have amnesia, let's give him a potion that will give you your memory back!"
"I'm sorry but you can't do that." Elijah said.
"Why not?"
"I will die since the potion would be poisoning…
Alice: How do you know that for sure?
Victor: You’ve seen Mrs. Plum’s cooking.
Emily: Oh, Victor, not all of that would kill you! Some would just make you violently ill.
and I live up… there." He made a gesture. The music in the background stopped again.
Victoria: When did it start back up?
Alice: Maybe if the author spent less time repeating completely obvious things, she could spare the ink – or the pixels, I suppose – to tell us such things.
The people gasped.
"Upstairs?" A woman asked. "Upstairs? I've never heard of this upstairs."
Emily: Wha – how can you have not heard of Upstairs?! We’re all from there! Nobody’s memory has gotten that bad!
"That's because you died a long time ago upstairs." Elijah corrected her.
Victor: You know, despite the initial fright, he’s taking this a lot better than I did.
She looked at him.
"Tell me, what is it like?" He looked at her.
"Dark. Dark and gloomy with weird people." Elijah said.
Victor: *opens mouth, pauses*. . .Actually, that’s not far off.
"Right…" A skeleton said in the background.
"What do you know?" A zombie asked.
Alice: Because he’s obviously alive?
"Because I remember upstairs, I died 58 years ago. In 1863." It was 1921 at the moment.
Alice: How nice of you to wait until now to tell us the – 1921? I know a specific year was never specified for Corpse Bride, but – that seems a bit late!
Emily: Unless you’re going specifically by Bonejangles and his love of anachronistic jazz.
Victor: Wait a moment! If this person died 58 years ago and still remembers the living world, how long ago did that other woman die? And why does no one else remember? Surely someone must have died in the intervening years!
Victoria: Victor, don’t try to make too much sense out of the bad fic.
"An old resident! How wonderful!" Elijah ran over to the skeleton. "Tell me, what is your name?"
"Bone Jangles." He said.
Emily: . . . Oh. You are basing the date off him.
Elijah was confused. How could someone's name be Bone Jangles?
Emily: Firstly, it’s one word. Secondly, it’s a nickname.
"Well, can I speak to the corpse again please?" Elijah asked. He walked toward the door.
Victor: I do believe he’s going in the wrong direction.
Alice: Maybe not, considering the buildings in this world have rather Lovecraftian architecture.
"I'm sorry man. But you can't do that." Bone Jangles replied. Elijah ran right pass him.
Emily: Bonejangles, you’re supposed to stop him when he does that.
The corpse bride was playing the piano on a low pitched key.
Victoria: They’re skipping straight to the piano duet?
Victor: Well, we have more or less done the “I would never marry you” scene earlier in this version.
"Um are you mad at me?" Elijah asked.
Victor: May I take comfort in never having said anything this inane?
Emily: You certainly may.
The corpse looked at him annoyed. "Look I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was supposed to do."
"Really? After saying those vows to my face, putting a ring on my finger, I'm surprised by your boldness."
Alice: That didn’t quite make sense.
Emily: I’m angry, it’s possible I’m not speaking properly.
"Your dead.
Emily: My dead what?
I-I mean you were in the ground. And all this time I didn't know you. Heck, I have a wife to be and I'm planning on being a father."
All: WHAT?!?
"Victoria's pregnant?"
"No, no. She will be after we get married and get things settled.
*relieved sighs all around*
Victor: Don’t scare us like that!
We live near the cemetery-Evans Cemetery-"
Victoria: Wasn’t it Harrisburg before?
Alice: This is why editing is your friend, author!
"Where I was buried. You know, this isn't the first time this situation happened to me. John cheated me out, then it was Nathan, then Charlie."
Victoria: . . . How many young men practice their vows in the cemetery?
Alice: Wait a minute, if this has happened before, then why is she so hurt over Elijah’s mistake? Shouldn’t she realize she’s been accidentally proposed to yet again?
Emily: Maybe – I meant while I was alive?
Alice: The author needs to stop repeating things and start actually explaining them!
The corpse looked at Elijah dead in his eyes. "
Victor: *deadpan* Ha ha. And I thought some of our puns were terrible.
Elijah started to stand up and then stopped. "What is your name? I don't want to call you 'corpse' all the time."
"It's Emily."
"Emily, do you know how to get upstairs?"
"No!" Victoria yelled.
Victor: Again, some indication of the scene changing would be nice!
"He can't be dead o-or missing! I just saw him yesterday!" She went mad. Running back and forth, sweating and screaming, like she lost her grandmother.
Emily: Do people usually react this way when their grandmothers die?
Alice: I remember being sad, but not absolutely hysterical.
The old woman tried to calm her down.
"Listen child! He's missing! Policeman sent out a search warrant in the morning and we're still looking for him!" Victoria was startled. "Unless you want to get arrested for disturbing the peace for asking everyone in town and bothering them, be my guest!"
Victor: I’m sorry, what? The sentences in the story of Blythe and Thomas weren’t this baffling!
Alice: I don’t know, there was that one near the end. . . .
The little old lady walked out. Victoria grabbed her winter coat and ran to the police station. And when she got there she caused trouble.
"Quick! Send out search parties, dogs anything!" Victoria yelled.
"What is all the hullabaloo?" A police officer asked.
Victor: *snort* I’m sorry – it’s just “hullabaloo” is such a funny word.
"My husband, Elijah Vendor, is missing!"
Alice: When did he become your husband?
Victoria: No, this is something that makes sense – she can hardly admit she’s living with a man she isn’t married to.
Alice: Point.
"Oh he's dead we couldn't find him in town no where. And if he did leave he must've gotten killed sooner or later."
Alice: The laziest police force in the world, ladies and gentlemen!
Victor: *giggling despite himself* I’m picturing the officer saying this in the most offhand way imaginable. “Oh, we couldn’t find him, so he must be dead. Goodbye now.”
Victoria: I suppose they have to let the town crier have something to cry about.
The door opened.
"Victoria!" A voice yelled. She turned around it was her mother. "So we meet again. And your husband is not with you."
4
"Why do you need my help?" Master Boswell asked.
Victor: What? Why is – *reads name again* Why did the author give Pastor Galswells and Elder Gutknecht the same new last name?
Alice: I haven’t the slightest.
Emily: For all we know, they are related. Elder Gutknecht is extremely old.
He was one of Emily's role models. And he was a very old skeleton.
"Because I need a spell to get upstairs." She said.
"Why go back up there when you belong down here?"
Alice: Oh, come on, it’s not nearly as good without the pun.
"Please?"
"Fine." He said.
Emily: Goodness, this Master Boswells is something of a pushover.
Emily smiled. A worm popped out of her eye. Elijah gasped.
"Don't do it Boswell she will betray you!" The worm yelled. She shoved it back in her eye.
"Maggots." Emily laughed.
Alice: What – how would Emily betray him? What does that mean? Is the maggot just – mad?
Emily: Sometimes I wonder.
Maggot: *from inside Emily’s head* If I’m mad, it’s because I’ve been chewing on your brain all this time.
Emily: *smacks side of her head* Hush.
Boswell cracked a crow's egg.
"Make sure when you want to come back, say 'hopscotch'."
"Hopscotch!" Emily laughed. The golden air swirls around Elijah and Emily.
Victor: A random tense change! That’s something new.
Then the upstairs world was around them. Elijah ran to the cemetery house with Emily following him.
"Now stay in here." Elijah stated. Her placed her under the covers of the bed.
*everyone stares*
Victor: Moving on.
Alice: *wicked smile* I think--
Victor: MOVING. ON.
Then he walked out of the house, locking the door.
Elijah ran everywhere in town until he had the slightest idea where to look-Victoria's parent's home.
Alice: Shouldn’t he have been wondering why she wasn’t at their house in the first place?
Victoria: Exactly! What if I came home suddenly to find Emily in our bed?
Victor: We are not discussing that part!
When he reached the house he looked up at Victoria's room window and decided to climb the grape vine.
* “I Heard It Through The Grape Vine” starts playing*
Victor: *stares up at the ceiling* You’re not supposed to join in.
None of you were going to make that joke!
A knock came on Victoria's door.
"Elijah!" She yelled. She opened the door. And he walked in.
Alice: Don’t you just love her fascinating storytelling style?
"I missed you so much! The police reported you dead today!" Elijah was dumbfounded.
"Dead? What do you mean dead?"
Emily: Deceased. Bereft of life.
Victoria: Passed on. Ceased to be.
Alice: Expired. Gone to meet his maker.
Victor: Kicked the bucket, shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-groom!
Alice: . . .When did this turn into the Parrot Sketch from Monty Python?
"No one can find you." Victoria looked at him.
"I'm glad I found you." Elijah whispered and then they shared a kiss.
Victoria: That makes it sound like I was missing.
Alice: I’ll allow the kiss, but how about afterwards you two march straight down to the police station and tell everyone that, oh yes, he’s alive and well?
Then all of a sudden crows started making noise and the wind and lighting went crazy.
Alice: *deadpan* So dramatic.
Emily was standing on the porch where the room was connected to. Elijah gasped.
Victoria: What? Why?? And how does she know where to go, anyway?
Victor: . . . Actually, Emily, how did you know to follow me onto the balcony? Why didn’t you go to the front door?
Emily: . . . I’m going with the “wet footprints” explanation Vic uses because I can’t think of anything better.
"Who is that?" Victoria asked. As she looked closer she remembered. "That's that corpse!"
"Don't worry! She is completely unharmed!"
Emily: Er – except for the whole “being dead and rotting” business. . . .
"Unharmed? Look at her face! She is a zombie!" The corpse grew closer to Elijah and Victoria.
"Elijah?" Emily grabbed him away from Victoria. "Who's this?" Victoria was startled.
"Who is she?" Victoria asked Elijah. He looked at Emily.
"I'm his wife." Emily said and showed Victoria her ring. Victoria was furious and scared at the same time.
"Elijah?" Victoria asked.
"Elijah?" Emily asked. Elijah looked at Emily.
Alice: You don’t have to specifically state where everyone – oh, I give up.
"Look Victoria, she's dead. I would never marry her." He made a gesture with Emily's skeleton arm. Emily grew angry. She grabbed Elijah.
"Hopscotch!" Emily yelled. They started to fade away. Elijah reached his arm out to Victoria but then his hand went away.
Victor: Like in Back To The Future?
Alice: Quick, someone get William and Nell to kiss by playing “Earth Angel!”
"I can't believe you did this to me!" Emily walked around her bedroom.
Emily: Shouldn’t we have materialized back in the tower? I certainly don’t live there!
Alice: It’s that Lovecraftian geography again.
"You brought your soon to be wife around and then criticized me when she was there?
Victor: You followed him!
How could you? And then you act like just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have love! My chance was taken away from me!"
Emily: Wait a minute, other-me, he told you straight out he was getting married to a living woman and that this was all a mistake! In fact, why did you go Upstairs in the first place if you knew he had another fiancee waiting for him? Were you trying to reunite them, trying to prove your superiority to the other woman – what? What’s happening between you two?
Alice: Logic is this fic’s enemy, Emily.
"Listen Emily," Elijah became a man. "you have heard my story and I will say it again. I said my vows to Victoria,
Victor: Actually, you said them to no one in particular, but we’ll let that slide.
you came to kidnap me and take me to your underworld with all of these dead people! Haven't you noticed already Emily? Reality check, I am alive you are dead there is nothing you can change about that!"
Victoria: You don’t want to be married to this man, Emily. I don’t want to marry him. What a nasty way of putting things.
Emily looked at him.
"Fine. If you want to be that way." She took off the ring. "Here is your stupid ring." She threw it at him.
Emily: Good, I’ve grown a spine. Next time, don’t attempt to still chase after the affianced man.
Victor: Er –
Emily: You never actually told me Victoria was your fiancé.
Victor: Good point.
"And when your lover dies, just remember, she is dead and there is nothing you can do about it."
Alice: *tilts head* I’m not sure if that’s a good parting shot or not. Readers?
Emily walked away. Elijah grew mad and went to Master Boswell.
"What can I do for you my friend?" He asked. Elijah hesitated for a minute.
"I need to go back upstairs." Elijah stated. Master Boswell's dark skeleton eyes widened.
Victor: Quite impressive, considering eyesockets aren’t know for being able to do that.
"Weren't you up there a minute ago?"
"I need to go back. I don't belong here-"
"No one belongs here, lad." Master Boswell.
Alice: Verb please!
"The people came here because they died by a mistake. Chef Chen,
Emily: If you’re going to change everyone’s names, could you at least make them ones you’d be likely to find in Eng – never mind, we have no idea where this is actually set.
he was accidentally stabbed in his own back, literally.
Alice: As opposed to someone else’s back?
I, myself, came down here right after my first son was born. I was devastated when I found out I was dead."
Victoria: That’s terribly sad, but you’ve left out how you died.
Boswell pointed his skinny finger in Elijah's face. "And as for you, go apologize to Emily. She helped you get upstairs and you repay her for this?
Victor: Well, repaying her is only polite, I’m sure. Granted, repaying her by revealing I’m in love with someone else is rather poor repayment. . . .
She was killed by her one true love. All she wanted was love and you had to take that away from her."
"That's not true!" Elijah snapped. He walked closer to Master Boswell. "I broke my back to get that ring on Victoria's finger and she was wearing it!
Victor: *spluttering* Wh-bu-what?! Weren’t you on your way home to propose when – are you married or aren’t you?!
Alice: Author, if you’re going to go in a different direction with the story after you’ve started writing, you have to actually go back and change the earlier parts!
Me and Victoria love each other and she can't live without me!" The back door opened. It was Emily.
Emily: Now what am I doing back here? And how did I know where he was?
"Elijah," Victoria started.
Victoria: What? Did we have another scene change?
"I'm sorry. I should have never did this to you. You're right, I am dead and there's nothing you can do about it."
Emily: That bit at the end makes me sound like I’m taunting him. Rather odd apology.
Elijah looked at Master Boswell. There was a moment of silence.
"No. It's not you fault." He put the ring on her finger. "Emily, for your sake, will you marry me?"
*ALL GAPE*
Victor: But – wha – how – why – Victoria – Barkis – piano – what?!?
Emily: Why is he proposing?! Aren’t we supposed to have a couple of tender scenes to show we like each other first? Where’s the piano duet, I like the piano duet!
Victoria: And isn’t he only supposed to do that after he knows I’m not available to him anymore? This fic didn’t make it clear that he knew I was forcibly re-engaged to Barkis! It didn’t make that clear to anyone, actually! One can guess from the end of the previous chapter, I suppose, but still!
Alice: Not to mention we’re not entirely sure if he’s married to you or not anymore!
Victor: *now pissed off* This will not stand! Explain, fic, EXPLAIN!
Master Boswell and Emily, herself were surprised as Elijah was.
"U-um, I d-don't know." Emily said. She started shaking.
Emily: Say no! He’s a possible bigamist! *looking up* And you keep quiet, Miss “Threesomes Solve Everything.”
I wasn’t going to say anything!
Then she kissed him. "Yes I will."
5
The town bell ringed.
Alice: *face back in hands*
Victoria: *trying to be diplomatic* Maybe the author’s not out of childhood yet.
Bone Jangles was on the street telling everyone that Elijah and Emily were getting married. Again. "Listen everyone! The ceremony will be taken upstairs!" Everyone gasped.
"Wow. It's been a while since I've been up there." A zombie said.
Emily: I don’t doubt it, considering most of you have forgotten it exists.
Bone jangles laughed.
"It's been a long time since anyone has been upstairs. But now that's about to change." He grabbed Elijah while he was walking past them. "My boy Elijah is going to plan the wedding. So Master Boswell is going to be the pastor."
Victor: If he’s planning the wedding, doesn’t he have a say in who officiates?
Emily: No, of course not.
Every clapped their hands. Emily and Elijah smiled. He stepped forward.
"Everyone, get ready! We need to make everything perfect!" Elijah yelled. The dead people ran to their places. Elijah smiled and walked away when these three zombies walked up to him. The three girls giggled.
"You're not going to a wedding looking like that." She one of them. Elijah observed himself. His shirt was torn, his pants were dirty and his shoes weren't shiny anymore.
Alice: Oh, the horror of unpolished shoes! *puts hand to head*
He frowned. The three took him by the hand and fixed him up.
Victoria: I thought it was supposed to be a bunch of spiders?
Victor: The author is doing her best to remove all the more interesting parts of the movie. Such as the motivation for this whole sequence.
He looked way better than before. Emily saw him while walking through a little alley.
"Elijah I've been looking all over for you!" Emily said. She leaned in and kissed him. He blushed. The three zombie girls giggled.
The rainy night before her wedding, Victoria ran to Pastor Boswell's house.
Alice: You have to warn us when the scene changes, and when the hell is this set in relation to everything else?
Victor: I don’t even care anymore. I just want this to end.
She banged on the door until she heard him opening it. His eyes widened. "Ms. Belle? Why on Earth are you here?" He asked. She was out of breath.
Alice: Your ideas of where the paragraph breaks should be are confusing and irritating.
"I need to ask you something very important." Victoria told him.
"What is it?"
"Can the living marry the dead?" Lightning came crashing down. The pastor's eyes were big.
"Why do you ask such a thing?"
"Elijah Vendor is marrying a corpse!" Pastor Boswell grabbed Victoria by the hand and dragged her to her house.
Victoria: Well, he didn’t waste any time in assuming I was mad.
Emily: Everyone in this twisted universe seems to make snap decisions with little or no information.
"Let me go!"
"You need to have a discussion with your parents!"
Victor: Why? They certainly wouldn’t care about Elijah in this fic, given he was never a candidate for their daughter’s hand.
"My parents aren't going to care! All they want is Barkis' money!" Pastor Boswell stopped.
"What do you ever mean child?"
Alice: “What do you ever” – I’m starting to agree with you, Emily. Maybe English ISN’T her first language.
Victoria snatched her hand away from the pastor.
"Barkis just wants me for my body, he doesn't want me for looks.
Victoria: Isn’t that roughly the same thing? Also, thank you for that mental image, I really needed that.
Alice: You do sarcasm very well.
My parents only want his money."
"I don't believe you." Victoria blushed her clothes to get some of the dirt off. She flipped her hair that was in her face.
Alice: Now what is she, a – what do they call them – valley girl?
"Fine then," she replied. "Don't believe me. But when you tell me to say my vows, I won't make them official."
Victoria: That doesn’t work. I never actually said “I do” to Barkis, yet Pastor Galswells still pronounced us man and wife.
Victor: Really? Isn’t that at least borderline illegal? If you don’t say “I do,” you’re not really married.
Alice: Where did you learn that tidbit?
Victor: *slightly embarrassed* The Princess Bride.
Emily: *giggles* Now I’m picturing you as the Dread Pirate Van Dort.
"But it's essential!" Victoria started to scoff.
"Please. To be honest with you Pastor Boswell, I'd rather die alone than to be with that man. He'll probably kill me if I don't do what he says."
Victoria: I just thought he was a very poor excuse for a lord at this point in the proceedings. Not an actual killer.
Emily: To be fair, this version of you has been engaged to him for a bit longer, it appears.
Victoria: That poor woman.
"Nonsense! I know Barkis, he's a very good gentleman!"
"Pastor, they are all lies! Lies, lies, lies!
Alice: Repeating, repeating, repeating!
I thought you knew better but I guess you don't." Pastor Boswell grew angry at what Victoria said. He grabbed her arm and this time he didn't let go. He dragged her all the way to her home. He banged on the door until her mother answered, her eyes opened.
Alice: Does your mother regularly walk about with her eyes closed, Victoria?
Victor: I think it’s just the author’s tendency toward reporting the obvious again. “In other news, the sky remains blue and people continue to breathe.”
"Victoria! You're supposed to be in your room!" Pastor Boswell threw her into her mother's arms. She felt her mother's nails dig deep into her skin out of anger. "I'm so very sorry Pastor Boswell. We thank you for your patience with our insecure daughter." She closed the door gently and slapped Victoria across the face. "How many times have I told you? You are getting married and that's final! I don't care if I have to strap you onto your bed and roll you down the aisle!
Alice: *trying not to laugh* I’m sorry, that’s just actually a rather funny image.
Victoria: *giggling* It is, a bit.
You will marry Barkis!"
Victoria sat in her room where the doors to her patio were boarded.
Emily: The door, however, was completely unlocked, so the next morning. . . .
Victoria: Author, I have a BALCONY. Not a porch or a patio. A BALCONY.
That very next day, at the very specific time,
Victor: Which, of course, you’re not actually going to tell us.
Victoria was in her wedding dress. Her eyes were big and her palms and face were completely pale.
Victoria: My – *stares at her hands in puzzlement* Aren’t your palms ALWAYS pale?
Alice: On that matter, aren’t your eyes always big, considering who designed you?
Her maid, a very tall, skinny, frail old lady stood behind her lacing the back of her veil.
Emily: Lacing – what sort of veil is this? Does it double as a corset?
"Dear, I know this is very hard for you…but please cooperate with us. We're only trying to help you."
"Help me with what?" Victoria snapped. "All of you are trying to ruin my life. All I wanted is to get help so I can save Elijah…that's all I wanted."
"Victoria, love, please-"
"Ellen, you don't understand. There is a thin line between love and control. I love Elijah but you all are controlling me, trying to make me love someone else."
Victoria: That example made little to no sense. In fact, the entire paragraph makes little to no sense.
Victor: The entire FIC makes little to no sense.
The old woman was finished. She sighed.
"Well dear, if you really love Elijah, follow your dreams. That's all I have to say."
Alice: Thank you for that completely useless advice. I’m sure she’s thrilled.
Victoria's mother busted through the doors.
Victor: I’d do a Kool-Aid man joke, but I don’t think I have the proper voice for a good “Oh yeah!”
"Everyone is downstairs! Start walking with your father! Now!" Victoria glanced at Ellen. But the woman didn't give an expression at all. Then the evil mother and the innocent bride went out the door.
Every dead person that Emily knew was up in the regular world.
Emily: It really would have killed you to put in scene changes, wouldn’t it?
They all were headed to Pastor Boswell's church. And when they got there, there was a lot of commotion. "Stay back! All you demons from hell! This is a holy area and-"
"Quiet down, we're in a church," One zombie said. Pastor Boswell's jaw dropped, then he ran away.
Victor: Oh, really now, do you have to change all the best parts into pale imitations of themselves?
Unfortunately, Victoria's wedding was already finished.
Victoria: You’re not even going to show my wedding?!
Alice: This fic reminds me of a puzzle that someone lost half the pieces too, then stuck the rest together randomly.
Her reception was in her house. Everyone was silent. "Everyone please quiet down!" Lord Barkis yelled. There was a long pause. "Thank you! I would like to have a toast to my dear Victoria. Let all of our dreams come true." Barkis tapped Victoria's glass.
Victoria: My family is still rich enough to afford separate glasses for people. Tap your own glass.
Her eyes were bloodshot and her mouth was closed.
"Here comes the bride!" One zombie cooed. Emily walked down the isle
Emily: An island wedding! That’s rather romantic.
with a bouquet of dead flowers in her hand. She looked beautiful, her azure blue hair
Alice: *bites finger to keep from screaming*
shined in the moonlight, her light blue dead skin sparkled and her smile filled Elijah's heart.
Victor: Is it all right if I call him a two-timing b-bastard?
Emily: Fine with me.
Victoria: I have no problem with it.
When she walked up to Elijah and Master Boswell, Elijah was speechless. "Tonight we are gathered here because two people fell in love with each other," Master Boswell said out loud.
Alice: No, we’re here because someone decided to randomly propose to someone else even after telling her he had another fiancée whom he couldn’t live without.
"Are you sure you want to drink this, child?" He whispered. Elijah nodded.
Victor: Drink what? You didn’t mention the Wine of Ages before! Of course, since you seem determined to cut out everything truly important to the plot. . . .
"For Emily's sake…" He said. Emily smiled. Elijah placed the ring on Emily's finger.
Emily: I already have the –
Alice: Never mind that, Emily, we’re almost done.
A loud moaning came from the main dining hall, in Victoria's parent's house.
Alice: She actually made a slight effort at establishing where we are when the scene changed?!
*all pretend to faint from shock*
Lord Barkis looked around, trying to figure out where the source of the noise is coming from. "Victoria, do you know where that noise is coming from?" Barkis asked her.
"No, Barkis I don't know."
Victoria's father, who was drinking some of his soup, sat there silent. Then all of a sudden, a large eye drop in the bowl. "There's an eye, in me soup!" One lady screamed.
Victoria's father turned around and saw a skeleton, Bone Jangles, smiling with no eyeballs. He screamed.
Emily: What – why is Bonejangles there?! Shouldn’t all of the dead be at the church?
Victoria: Perhaps he doesn’t approve of Elijah as the groom.
Emily: Okay, that’s a decent reason.
Everything went crazy. People ran away from the dead people and Lord Barkis hid under a table. Victoria didn't realize he was such a coward. Barkis pulled her under the table with him. "Victoria, let's grab the money and get away from here!" Victoria was confused, she had a puzzled look on her face.
Alice: *doesn’t even bother to bottle it in* AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT! Oh, God, now you’ve got me repeating. . . .
"Money? What money? We don't have any money. This whole house belongs to the poor house."
"The, the POOR HOUSE?" Victoria grew angry and stood up after she got from under he table.
"Well excuse me Barkis if my family isn't to your qualified standards!" Barkis stood up to her also.
"You lied to me! I thought you were rich!"
Victor: If you’ve been engaged to her for more than a day, you should have figured that out.
Victoria: My parents did do everything in their power to make sure it didn’t become too well-known. But you do have a point.
"Well our guesses were perfectly matched!" Victoria walked away.
Alice: Sure, ruin the poor girl’s Crowning Moment of Awesome.
Victoria: *pleasantly surprised* People consider that my crowning moment of awesome?
Emily: Well, it is a great line – in the original.
Lord Barkis grew furious.
"And for the final touch…" Master Boswell said. "Elijah , you may drink the poison."
Victor: *resigned* I know I should be complaining about more of the plot being cut, but at this point, anything that brings us closer to the end is fine.
Emily had an uneasy look on her face. Elijah picked up the cup and started to drink it until Emily stopped him.
"Elijah, I can't let you do it…" Emily confessed. "I lost my chance a long time ago, and you shouldn't take your life for my mistake." Elijah stared at her.
Victor: *briefly triggers his ghostly self* “You might have mentioned that before I drank some of the poison.”
"Besides, Victoria is here…" Elijah looked over and saw Victoria standing in the middle of the isle.
Alice: And you didn’t even notice her? So much for your purest love that neither of you can live without.
Everyone gasped. Emily made a gesture to Victoria for her to walk to them.
"I want you two do be happy," Emily whispered. She placed he ring in Elijah's hands and Victoria's hands on his.
Then Lord Barkis busted through the church doors. Everyone turned around to see him. "Victoria! C'mon we have to go-" Emily stared at Barkis. "E-Emily?"
"Barkis?"
"You know him?" Elijah asked.
"I thought I left you!" Barkis yelled.
"By death…" Emily said.
Emily: It’s for dead. Your version –
Victor, Victoria, Alice: Makes no sense?
Emily: Actually, I was just going to say, “sounds ridiculous.”
Everyone gasped.
"This woman is frankly delusional!" Barkis ran and grabbed Victoria by the wrist. "C'mon Victoria, we need to get out of here-"
"Get your hands off of her…" Elijah threaten. Barkis scoffed.
"And what are you going to do? Kill me?"
Victor: Not nearly as threatening, but acceptable enough as a taunt.
Elijah ran to him and hit him. Then the two broke off into a fight. One of the zombies threw a sword to Elijah.
Victor: He gets a sword?! I get stuck fighting with a fork, and he gets a SWORD?
Alice: Now you see how I feel about Alice Kingsleigh getting armor.
Barkis grabbed a sharp knife. Barkis cut Elijah's arm deeply which made him bleed a lot. He fell to the ground. "Elijah!" Victoria yelled.
Alice: And now they’re ruining your Crowning Moment of Awesome. I really don’t like this author.
"Now tell me Elijah, can a heart break when it stops beating?" Barkis asked.
Emily: That’s your line to me. I’m over here.
He placed his knife higher and charged toward him, until he hit someone. It wasn't Elijah. It was Emily.
Emily grabbed the knife and pointed it at Barkis. "Leave…" She whispered. He stood there. "LEAVE!"
"Fine…" Barkis said. He walked to the table that held the poisonous drink. "Let me have a drink before I leave this horrid place."
Alice: And there goes Barkis’s big speech.
Victoria: I have to admit, I don’t care particularly much if he loses his moment.
Unfortunately, Barkis didn't know it was poison. He gasped for breath, trying to save the last moments of his life. Until his heart stopped.
Barkis again woke up being a zombie.
Emily: Again? So he’s been dead before?
Victor: “Dear Diary: Woke up dead again this morning. I thought that wine tasted funny.”
All the other zombies were mad because of what he did to Emily.
Alice: No, really? I thought they were upset because they were out of sacramental wine.
"Let's get 'em boys…" Bone Jangles said. Barkis screamed and started to run away. But he didn't make it.
Emily looked back at Elijah and Victoria, who were looking at each other. Elijah glanced at Emily. "I hope you too have a wonderful life," she said. Emily hugged Victoria and Elijah.
Emily: . . . All right, that’s kind of sweet and I sort of wish I’d done that.
"I'm sorry for what Barkis did to you," Elijah apologized. Emily shook her head.
"No it's okay. Finally I'm free…" Emily floated away into butterflies and left away in the moonlight.
Victor: And of course this goes unexplained!
Victoria: It was unexplained in the movie too, though. At least her turning into butterflies.
Victor: I don’t care anymore! I want an explanation!
Emily: I – really like butterflies?
Elijah looked at Victoria and wrapped his arm around her as they watched Emily fly off into the moon.
And so they lived together peacefully, without her parents, or anybody else.
Alice: Mostly because no one else wanted them around.
O.o….The End….o.O
Alice: Finally!
Victor: And those smilies sum up my reaction to this fic beautifully.
Victoria: Why would someone write something like this? Why simply randomly change certain names?
Emily: Not to mention completely ruin the plot.
Victor: At least it didn’t feature any random eight-year-old Japanese-American martial arts masters. *noticing Victoria and Emily staring* That was in the last fic we read.
Victoria: *shakes head* I don’t know how you and Alice do it.
Alice: Nerves of steel, my dear, nerves of steel. And threatening the mun to give us ice cream afterwards.
I’m getting your goddamn Rocky Road, give me a minute.
Gotta love the bad fanfic, right? Hope you enjoyed!
*guitar twang*
Victor: Oh, no, back again.
Alice: What is it this time? More instructional pamphlets, or bad fanfic?
Bad fanfic – somebody posted a new stinker to the Corpse Bride section of FF.net, and when I read it, I knew it would be perfect for you two.
Alice: Aah. One of these days, you really ought to do a fic from my canon.
I know – it’s not like I don’t have material to work with. But first, this fic. It really is bad, so I’m giving you some help this time!
Victor: Really? Who?
Victoria: *shy wave* Hello Victor.
Emily: *waves* Hello.
Alice: . . . Hello. This is a bit awkward.
Victor: *going for his tie* H-hello.
Emily: Please relax, we don’t bite. And we do have a Victor of our own, you know.
Alice: I know, but this is still a little strange.
Victoria: I thought you liked strange.
Alice: It depends on the strange.
Victor: I’m so s-sorry you two h-had to be d-dragged into this.
Victoria: Oh, no, it’s fine. I’m just worried we won’t be as good as you and Alice.
Only one way to find out. Fanfic sign in three – two – one!
Corpse Bride
Alice: Very original title there.
INTRODUCTION
Dear Diary,
I Victoria Belle
Victoria: Who??
Emily: You wouldn’t think Everglot would be a name a person forgot.
will be getting married tomorrow. I do not love my husband, but if I dare say a word of unpleasantness, I will be punished by the queen and punished by my parents.
Alice: Queen Victoria herself is going to come and punish you? I didn’t know the Everglots – or the “Belles” – were that far up in the world.
Victor: Well, she has to make sure that her royal first name remains unsullied, you know.
"Arguing," My mother used to say, "is very un lady like." The same as playing music. "Too passionate" she says. But even thought I love listening to my own butler, James, play the piano, I want to play. With no one around me. To criticize me. Just play without being slapped or locked in my room. To have freedom. The freedom to be with my love Elijah Vendor.
Victor: Wait, who?
Emily: Elijah? We’re sure this is a fic from our canon?
Victoria: Maybe it explains below. . . .
Victoria Belle is the only daughter of a couple who hate each other. It is too hard for a twenty year old.
Alice: . . . What? Does anyone here know what that sentence means?
Victor: I’m just waiting until someone mentions the “scent of the gods.”
*Victor and Alice burst out giggling while Victoria and Emily look on, baffled*
In fact, her family doesn't even have any money. She is marrying her fiancé Barkis Simmons.
Alice: As opposed to a complete stran – oh, wait, that’s usually the same thing in your world. Never mind.
Victor: I will give the author this, at least they remembered Barkis is his first name. It’s rather annoying to see Victoria referred to as “Lady Barkis” in some of the alternate ending fics. Insult added to the injury of keeping her married to the man.
He is a very demanding man looking for his way every single time. Loving him is a very hard task.
Emily: *embarrassed* Less hard than you might think.
Victoria: *pats hand*
There is this young man named Elijah Vendor.
Alice: He’s supposed to be named Victor Van Dort, but we’re going to ignore that for now.
He is very sweet. But he is a very poor, young too.
Victoria: He is a very poor – what?
Emily: Is it animal, vegetable, or mineral?
He is 17. He would deliver fish and other food for Victoria's small dysfunctional family. They would both smile at each other time to time with crimson all across their faces.
Alice: That makes it sound like you’re like me, with the blood.
Emily: I do hear Victoria wields a mean fireplace poker.
Victoria: The only thing I used it on was the doorknob.
1
Victoria sat on the piano chair that she was banned from. No one was around. Not even her parents.
Alice: I believe we established that with the “no one was around.”
She looked at the keys on the piano. It had no dust or dimness on each key.
Victor: Er – I’m sorry, but that sentence just does not work.
She could she her reflection. Slowly and gently, her fingers touched the high pitched keys. It made soft sounds. She smiled, then all of a sudden, a slap came across her face with her mother in front of her.
Victor: Gah! Since when can your mother appear out of thin air?
Victoria: Actually, she was rather good at catching me being naughty when I was young. . .
Victoria fell to the ground, covering her face with her hand. She was shaking looking up to her mother.
"You peasant! You are not allowed to be at the piano! You are not acting like a lady! Slip up one more time, and you are out of here. We won't have to waste another penny on you,"
Emily: Does that sound like your mother, Victoria?
Victoria: Actually, it sounds worse. I don’t think Mother would ever have seriously considered throwing me out for merely trying to play the piano.
Victor: Peasant is really the worst insult she can come up with?
Victoria: Mother’s not known for being very creative.
She walked away. Victoria was still on the floor. Tears came from her eyes and she ran up to her room. She laid on her bed grabbing her diary and she started writing this:
Alice: “Soon, the day of reckoning will come. . . .”
Victoria: Please stop doing that scary voice.
Dear Diary,
I hate my mother with all of my hate ness
*everyone bursts into laughter*
Victor: *snickering* Your “hateness?” What is “hateness?”
Victoria: *covering her mouth, voice muffled a bit* What I hate with, what else?
Alice: I have a feeling this author owes a large debt to the Department of Redundancy Department.
She slaps me around leaving me in tears and solemn.
Emily: Er, “solemn” isn’ the same as “miserable,” dear author.
My father, won't even care about me even if I was taken away from them . I hate my life, but not as much to destroy it. I love myself and Elijah,
Victor: Oh, so poor Elijah only comes second place?
Emily: She needs the extra room in her heart for her “hateness.”
I wouldn't want to break his heart with suicide.
A tear came from Victoria's eyes and it landed on the paper.
Alice: *deadpan* Gripping.
The doorbell rang. Victoria ran from her room and into the main entrance of the door.
Emily: Main entrance of the – did she run into the door itself?
Victor: Please, Victoria, leave such clumsiness to me.
James opened the door. It was Elijah. She smiled and ran down the steps. She ran up to him, her hands sweating.
Alice: Wait – how is this house set up? Is she outside now, or–
Victor: I think you’ll find it doesn’t really matter.
"Hello…Elijah. I-I was expecting to see you. I didn't know deliveries came on Thursday," She said.
Victoria: You just said you were expecting to see him.
Alice: Common typo, I’m afraid.
Elijah took off his hat looking at her.
"W-well, since it's your wedding day tomorrow, they sent me to deliver food to you all. You know…wedding rehearsals."
"Oh. I always dreamed of my wedding day. But not like this. I want to marry someone I love. Don't you think that's alright?" A flirtatious eye appeared on her face.
Alice: Ack! She’s turning into a mutant!
Victor: Elijah promptly screamed and ran off into the night. Or mid-afternoon.
Elijah blushed.
"Y-yes. It is absolutely right." A noise came from the west drawing room. It was her mother and father arguing the mother ran out of the room.
Victoria: Punctuation is your friend, author. You shouldn’t be abusing it like this.
Alice: And again I ask, where is this taking place?
She saw the two.
"What impropriety is this? You shouldn't be alone together! Rehearsals are important! Barkis is waiting for you," She yelled. Victoria walked to the room looking back at Elijah. Victoria's mother pushed her.
When Victoria walked in the room, she saw her fiancé's parents, her dad, and Pastor Boswell
Victoria: Boswell?
Alice: Just go with it.
looking at her. She was super nervous.
Victor: Yes, she was totally nervous, dude. *notices the others staring at him* What?
Alice: You’ve been around Doc and Marty too long.
"You are getting married so I suppose you are a first timer," Pastor Boswell said.
Emily: First – timer? For what?
Victor: *suddenly goes pale* Oh, God, I just thought of that first pamphlet –
Alice: Puppies! Think of puppies!
"I am a professional on weddings young lady. Do not make me angry." He pointed his finger in Victoria's face. She gulped.
"Alright young man, start making your lines."
Victor: Here’s some drawing paper and a pen.
Barkis picked up the candle and said his vows.
"With this candle, I will light your way in darkness," Barkis picked up the wine glass that sat on the table. "Your cup will never empty, for I will be your wine."
Victor: And here is where Pastor “Boswells” hits you over the head with his scepter. Even I remembered the candle line didn’t come first.
Emily: If you’re going to use our vows, at least put them in the right order!
Victoria remembered the vows because she practiced saying them to Elijah secretly. Victoria raised her hand.
"W-with this hand, I will lift your sorrows." Victoria glanced and saw Elijah standing in the door way. "This hand…I…
Victoria: I think that actually comes first – can we start over?
I… I'm sorry." Victoria ran out of the room toward Elijah.
"Come with me." She said. She lead him to her bedroom.
Alice: You’re eager.
Victoria: Alice!
She grabbed her diary and walked out of the room. Elijah followed. Victoria and Elijah were walking down the steps when her mother stopped her by grabbing her wrist.
"Where on Earth do you think you're going?" Her mother said. Victoria glanced at her and then Barkis.
"Away from you." She ran with Elijah running out the door.
Alice: You don’t have to constantly repeat things, author, we got the point the first time you said “ran.”
Victoria: I must admit, I wish I’d had the nerve to do this at my wedding to Barkis.
Victor: *gently teasing* What, run away with a man named Elijah?
Victoria: You know what I mean.
Emily: I wish I’d done that.
Victoria was free at last. For now.
Alice: Dun dun dunnn!
2
Dear Diary,
Victoria: I’m still trying to figure out if I’m in the movie Corpse Bride or not.
I am finally with my love Elijah. But for me to make it into this world I need money. My boyfriend Elijah
Alice: Please stop repeating things, author. We’re not stupid.
is still working at the fish market, but I told him he needs another job to earn more money.
Alice: I suppose it’s logical enough, but I still want to make “so you decided to work your boyfriend to death” joke.
So he is now a chauffer on horse and carriage. I am sure he will do well.
As for me, I and Elijah are living in a small house near the old Harrisburg Cemetery.
Victor: O.O Cohabiting b-before marriage?!
Alice: Technically, that’s what we do.
Victor: The Inkwell is different, it’s more like a boarding house. And we still probably wouldn’t get away with it back in our own time period.
Victoria: And I certainly wouldn’t agree to it!
A weird location you may say, but it's all I can do since I don't have enough money for a real home.
Elijah was cutting fish at his part time job. He and the other men on the job were talking. "Well, I don't know Eli, me boy. You should just ask her straight from the heart. You know, when I proposed to my wife, she dropped all the way to the ground. A busty and big woman can make a big ground noise when she fall," One of his friend says.
Alice: I’m sorry, I wasn’t aware the fish industry employed trolls.
Victor: Actually, when I consider some of the people Father hired. . . .
Elijah took out the ring he made himself out of gold from his pocket.
Emily: Oh, it’s not good enough that he merely bought a lovely ring, he has to make one by hand.
Meanwhile at the old house. Victoria was washing dishes when she heard a peculiar noise.
"All's well it ends well." The noise she heard. Victoria grew quiet and more cautious. But when the noises stopped. She began washing dishes again.
Victor: Wait, what? What just happened? Was that Victoria speaking, or–?
Victoria: I haven’t the slightest idea.
Emily: Are we sure English is this person’s first language?
Alice: *checks* I’m not sure. Her profile lists her location as the USA.
The sunset came and Elijah was walking back home through the cemetery when he took the ring he was going to give to Victoria out of his pocket. He started saying the vows he heard at the rehearsal. "With this…hand, I will lift your sorrows. Your cup will never empty for I will be your wine.
Emily: *nods approvingly* Now that’s more like –
For now… I ask you to be mine!" He yelled.
Emily: – it.
Alice: You’ve forgotten the part about the candle!
Victor: *softly* At least he didn’t say “With this hand, I will cup your--”
He saw a stick in the ground that looked like a hand. He put the ring on the stick. Then all of a sudden, the wind started to blow and the crows made noises. Elijah looked back while the stick moved. The wind grew stronger and the crows made even louder noises.
Alice: Then the wind grew even stronger and the crows made really loud noises!
Then, the stick hand grabbed Elijah's hand and dragged him into the ground. Elijah pulled himself up and grabbed his hand that was in the ground. The stick was so strong, he fell back even though he was very strong. He started yelling Victoria's name. "Victoria!" He called. "Victoria come save me! Someone! Help!"
Victor: . . . I suddenly feel a lot better about my own near panic attack when Emily first grabbed hold of me. Thank you very much, author.
Girls: *giggling*
His yelp was very loud. Victoria could hear him along the road. She dropped the dishes and ran outside following Elijah screams.
Alice: I thought his last name was Vendor.
Emily: That’s a bit of a reach.
Alice: I know.
Victoria ran like the wind. Looking carefully, she tried to find Elijah in the darkness. Then she saw him struggling to get away from the hand. She grabbed him pulling him away. The root of the hand grew longer and the ground started to crumble. They both got away and the hand was still around Elijah's wrist. It was a whole arm in bones!
Emily: You yanked off my entire arm?!
Victor: To be fair, this is the result of two people pulling, not just one.
Victoria and Elijah gasped. The ground shook and the wind was at tornado speed.
Alice: Everyone was swept away in the resulting storm. The end!
And a body rose from the grave with head first.
Emily: Well, rising feet first would make it rather difficult to properly stand.
Alice: Not to mention giving everyone a – show.
Victor: *twists tie*
The body's other hand grabbed the dirt from the Earth's surface to stand up. It was a corpse.
Alice: Oh no, we would have never guessed that before! Don’t all living people lie under the ground with a skeletal hand sticking out?
That was wearing a wedding dress! She took out her hand with her eyes looking like she was seeing though him.
All: . . . Huh?!
Her eyes were so wide and big that her pupils looked like black freckles on a face. Walking toward him, Victoria ran up to the corpse and started hitting her.
Victor: From what I’ve heard, the appropriate thing to say here is “CATFIGHT!”
The bride hit her so hard, she fell to the ground knocked out.
Victoria: Oooh. Emily, remind me never to make you angry.
Emily: Too bad you didn’t have your poker.
As for Elijah, he started to run toward the bridge to town.
Victor: Oh, go ahead, leave Victoria behind. It’s just the woman you love lying there unconscious in the middle of a cemetery.
Looking back the corpse was right behind him! He slipped and fell on the hard concrete. He got up with blood on the side of his head. He was okay.
Alice: And the point of that little interlude was. . . ?
Elijah looked toward the woods and no corpse to be found. He turned around then…the corpse was standing right in front of him.
Victor: Emily, how did you do that?
Emily: Trade secret.
He backed up until he bumped onto the ledge of the bridge. The bride got closer and whispered the words: "You may kiss the bride." She kissed him softly when he fainted and blacked out.
Alice: Why oh why does this author feel compelled to state everything twice?
Victoria: Perhaps she’s trying to ensure dead people would understand – oh, do forgive me, Emily!
Emily: *laughs* No, no, that’s fine. Some of the people I’ve met Downstairs WOULD need that sort of treatment.
3
Voices were going non-stop in the background. A shake came from a town villager. Victoria was lying on the ground. Then she woke up.
Victoria: Did we just switch perspectives in the middle of that paragraph?
Victor: I’m starting to wonder if the author isn’t perhaps throwing random sentences together in hopes they’ll form a narrative.
"Are you okay?" An old woman asked her. She struggled to get up.
"Where's E-Elijah?" Victoria said. The town villagers helped her to her home.
Victoria: Nobody’s going to answer me? How rude.
Alice: I just hope they don’t realize you share your house with a man who isn’t your husband. Then you’ll know rude.
Victoria was laying in her bed when the old woman tucked her in bed.
Alice: WE GET IT. STOP REPEATING THINGS.
"Where's Elijah?" Victoria asked once again. The old woman looked at Victoria with a puzzled look in her face.
Alice: *buries face in hands*
"You mean Elijah Vendor? Oh dear, he was reported missing early this morning." Victoria rose from her bed quickly.
"What?" She asked.
Elijah was passed out when the corpse bride woke him up by slapping his cheek softly.
Victor: Gah! Would you please warn us when you’re going to switch scenes?
"Well he must be still sleeping." The bride said.
Emily: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Elijah opened his eyes.
"Where am I?" Elijah asked. A skeleton got in his face and said, "Well hello! A new arrival!" Elijah screamed and got up from the floor.
"Who are you people? Where am I?" Elijah asked. He looked at everyone in the room. They were people. But they were dead.
Alice: Everyone is Captain Obvious in this fic. Even – especially – the narrator.
He stepped back when he bumped into a skeleton.
"Hey watch it." One said.
Victor: The skeleton’s name is One?
Alice: He must have had parents who were desperate to name their child something “unique.”
The corpse walked up to him.
"Elijah, you're in the underworld." She said. He eyes opened wide.
"No. No, no, no! This isn't the underworld! This is hell!
Victor: Er – technically, that is still the underworld.
I've died and went to hell! Victoria! Victoria!" The corpse shook him.
"No silly! You're not dead! And this isn't you-know-what.
Emily: I can say the word “hell!” Hell hell hell hell hell.
Alice: Aaand our rating for this sporking just went up to PG-13.
I brought you down here because I wanted you to meet my close friends. We're having a reception!"
"A reception? Who's getting married?" The corpse laughed and so did everyone else.
Alice: You know, author, you can just put “Everyone laughed,” and we’ll understand what you mean.
"Me and you!" The corpse showed his wedding ring to her. He gasped.
"I'm sorry to tell you this but I didn't marry you." The music stopped every dead person looked at him.
Victoria: I don’t know which is worse – the run-ons or the fragments.
Victor: Well, he certainly wasted no time in telling her.
Emily: Why didn’t you?
Victor: I was in shock at first, and then I was trying to figure out how to break the news gently.
"What do ya' mean you didn't marry her?" A zombie that was accidentally cut in half spoke. "You currently just said your vows, put the ring on her finger and kissed her!"
"No, no! I didn't want to marry you! I was practicing to marry my true love Victoria" Elijah yelled.
Alice: And that’s the end of the movie right there, isn’t it?
Victor: Ah, also a good reason as to why I didn’t speak up right away.
The corpse shed a tear and ran away into the back of the building. Elijah tried to go after her, but the zombies blocked his path.
"You've done a terrible thing to her." A skeleton said. Elijah was terrified. The people drew closer.
"I'm sorry! I didn't know!" Every dead person that charged toward him stopped.
"Wait a minute." A small little dead girl said. "How did you not know that you were getting married?
Emily: It might be helpful if you explained how you didn’t realize my arm was an arm.
Alice: *eye twitching slightly* Small – little –
You must have amnesia, let's give him a potion that will give you your memory back!"
"I'm sorry but you can't do that." Elijah said.
"Why not?"
"I will die since the potion would be poisoning…
Alice: How do you know that for sure?
Victor: You’ve seen Mrs. Plum’s cooking.
Emily: Oh, Victor, not all of that would kill you! Some would just make you violently ill.
and I live up… there." He made a gesture. The music in the background stopped again.
Victoria: When did it start back up?
Alice: Maybe if the author spent less time repeating completely obvious things, she could spare the ink – or the pixels, I suppose – to tell us such things.
The people gasped.
"Upstairs?" A woman asked. "Upstairs? I've never heard of this upstairs."
Emily: Wha – how can you have not heard of Upstairs?! We’re all from there! Nobody’s memory has gotten that bad!
"That's because you died a long time ago upstairs." Elijah corrected her.
Victor: You know, despite the initial fright, he’s taking this a lot better than I did.
She looked at him.
"Tell me, what is it like?" He looked at her.
"Dark. Dark and gloomy with weird people." Elijah said.
Victor: *opens mouth, pauses*. . .Actually, that’s not far off.
"Right…" A skeleton said in the background.
"What do you know?" A zombie asked.
Alice: Because he’s obviously alive?
"Because I remember upstairs, I died 58 years ago. In 1863." It was 1921 at the moment.
Alice: How nice of you to wait until now to tell us the – 1921? I know a specific year was never specified for Corpse Bride, but – that seems a bit late!
Emily: Unless you’re going specifically by Bonejangles and his love of anachronistic jazz.
Victor: Wait a moment! If this person died 58 years ago and still remembers the living world, how long ago did that other woman die? And why does no one else remember? Surely someone must have died in the intervening years!
Victoria: Victor, don’t try to make too much sense out of the bad fic.
"An old resident! How wonderful!" Elijah ran over to the skeleton. "Tell me, what is your name?"
"Bone Jangles." He said.
Emily: . . . Oh. You are basing the date off him.
Elijah was confused. How could someone's name be Bone Jangles?
Emily: Firstly, it’s one word. Secondly, it’s a nickname.
"Well, can I speak to the corpse again please?" Elijah asked. He walked toward the door.
Victor: I do believe he’s going in the wrong direction.
Alice: Maybe not, considering the buildings in this world have rather Lovecraftian architecture.
"I'm sorry man. But you can't do that." Bone Jangles replied. Elijah ran right pass him.
Emily: Bonejangles, you’re supposed to stop him when he does that.
The corpse bride was playing the piano on a low pitched key.
Victoria: They’re skipping straight to the piano duet?
Victor: Well, we have more or less done the “I would never marry you” scene earlier in this version.
"Um are you mad at me?" Elijah asked.
Victor: May I take comfort in never having said anything this inane?
Emily: You certainly may.
The corpse looked at him annoyed. "Look I'm sorry. I didn't know what I was supposed to do."
"Really? After saying those vows to my face, putting a ring on my finger, I'm surprised by your boldness."
Alice: That didn’t quite make sense.
Emily: I’m angry, it’s possible I’m not speaking properly.
"Your dead.
Emily: My dead what?
I-I mean you were in the ground. And all this time I didn't know you. Heck, I have a wife to be and I'm planning on being a father."
All: WHAT?!?
"Victoria's pregnant?"
"No, no. She will be after we get married and get things settled.
*relieved sighs all around*
Victor: Don’t scare us like that!
We live near the cemetery-Evans Cemetery-"
Victoria: Wasn’t it Harrisburg before?
Alice: This is why editing is your friend, author!
"Where I was buried. You know, this isn't the first time this situation happened to me. John cheated me out, then it was Nathan, then Charlie."
Victoria: . . . How many young men practice their vows in the cemetery?
Alice: Wait a minute, if this has happened before, then why is she so hurt over Elijah’s mistake? Shouldn’t she realize she’s been accidentally proposed to yet again?
Emily: Maybe – I meant while I was alive?
Alice: The author needs to stop repeating things and start actually explaining them!
The corpse looked at Elijah dead in his eyes. "
Victor: *deadpan* Ha ha. And I thought some of our puns were terrible.
Elijah started to stand up and then stopped. "What is your name? I don't want to call you 'corpse' all the time."
"It's Emily."
"Emily, do you know how to get upstairs?"
"No!" Victoria yelled.
Victor: Again, some indication of the scene changing would be nice!
"He can't be dead o-or missing! I just saw him yesterday!" She went mad. Running back and forth, sweating and screaming, like she lost her grandmother.
Emily: Do people usually react this way when their grandmothers die?
Alice: I remember being sad, but not absolutely hysterical.
The old woman tried to calm her down.
"Listen child! He's missing! Policeman sent out a search warrant in the morning and we're still looking for him!" Victoria was startled. "Unless you want to get arrested for disturbing the peace for asking everyone in town and bothering them, be my guest!"
Victor: I’m sorry, what? The sentences in the story of Blythe and Thomas weren’t this baffling!
Alice: I don’t know, there was that one near the end. . . .
The little old lady walked out. Victoria grabbed her winter coat and ran to the police station. And when she got there she caused trouble.
"Quick! Send out search parties, dogs anything!" Victoria yelled.
"What is all the hullabaloo?" A police officer asked.
Victor: *snort* I’m sorry – it’s just “hullabaloo” is such a funny word.
"My husband, Elijah Vendor, is missing!"
Alice: When did he become your husband?
Victoria: No, this is something that makes sense – she can hardly admit she’s living with a man she isn’t married to.
Alice: Point.
"Oh he's dead we couldn't find him in town no where. And if he did leave he must've gotten killed sooner or later."
Alice: The laziest police force in the world, ladies and gentlemen!
Victor: *giggling despite himself* I’m picturing the officer saying this in the most offhand way imaginable. “Oh, we couldn’t find him, so he must be dead. Goodbye now.”
Victoria: I suppose they have to let the town crier have something to cry about.
The door opened.
"Victoria!" A voice yelled. She turned around it was her mother. "So we meet again. And your husband is not with you."
4
"Why do you need my help?" Master Boswell asked.
Victor: What? Why is – *reads name again* Why did the author give Pastor Galswells and Elder Gutknecht the same new last name?
Alice: I haven’t the slightest.
Emily: For all we know, they are related. Elder Gutknecht is extremely old.
He was one of Emily's role models. And he was a very old skeleton.
"Because I need a spell to get upstairs." She said.
"Why go back up there when you belong down here?"
Alice: Oh, come on, it’s not nearly as good without the pun.
"Please?"
"Fine." He said.
Emily: Goodness, this Master Boswells is something of a pushover.
Emily smiled. A worm popped out of her eye. Elijah gasped.
"Don't do it Boswell she will betray you!" The worm yelled. She shoved it back in her eye.
"Maggots." Emily laughed.
Alice: What – how would Emily betray him? What does that mean? Is the maggot just – mad?
Emily: Sometimes I wonder.
Maggot: *from inside Emily’s head* If I’m mad, it’s because I’ve been chewing on your brain all this time.
Emily: *smacks side of her head* Hush.
Boswell cracked a crow's egg.
"Make sure when you want to come back, say 'hopscotch'."
"Hopscotch!" Emily laughed. The golden air swirls around Elijah and Emily.
Victor: A random tense change! That’s something new.
Then the upstairs world was around them. Elijah ran to the cemetery house with Emily following him.
"Now stay in here." Elijah stated. Her placed her under the covers of the bed.
*everyone stares*
Victor: Moving on.
Alice: *wicked smile* I think--
Victor: MOVING. ON.
Then he walked out of the house, locking the door.
Elijah ran everywhere in town until he had the slightest idea where to look-Victoria's parent's home.
Alice: Shouldn’t he have been wondering why she wasn’t at their house in the first place?
Victoria: Exactly! What if I came home suddenly to find Emily in our bed?
Victor: We are not discussing that part!
When he reached the house he looked up at Victoria's room window and decided to climb the grape vine.
* “I Heard It Through The Grape Vine” starts playing*
Victor: *stares up at the ceiling* You’re not supposed to join in.
None of you were going to make that joke!
A knock came on Victoria's door.
"Elijah!" She yelled. She opened the door. And he walked in.
Alice: Don’t you just love her fascinating storytelling style?
"I missed you so much! The police reported you dead today!" Elijah was dumbfounded.
"Dead? What do you mean dead?"
Emily: Deceased. Bereft of life.
Victoria: Passed on. Ceased to be.
Alice: Expired. Gone to meet his maker.
Victor: Kicked the bucket, shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible! This is an ex-groom!
Alice: . . .When did this turn into the Parrot Sketch from Monty Python?
"No one can find you." Victoria looked at him.
"I'm glad I found you." Elijah whispered and then they shared a kiss.
Victoria: That makes it sound like I was missing.
Alice: I’ll allow the kiss, but how about afterwards you two march straight down to the police station and tell everyone that, oh yes, he’s alive and well?
Then all of a sudden crows started making noise and the wind and lighting went crazy.
Alice: *deadpan* So dramatic.
Emily was standing on the porch where the room was connected to. Elijah gasped.
Victoria: What? Why?? And how does she know where to go, anyway?
Victor: . . . Actually, Emily, how did you know to follow me onto the balcony? Why didn’t you go to the front door?
Emily: . . . I’m going with the “wet footprints” explanation Vic uses because I can’t think of anything better.
"Who is that?" Victoria asked. As she looked closer she remembered. "That's that corpse!"
"Don't worry! She is completely unharmed!"
Emily: Er – except for the whole “being dead and rotting” business. . . .
"Unharmed? Look at her face! She is a zombie!" The corpse grew closer to Elijah and Victoria.
"Elijah?" Emily grabbed him away from Victoria. "Who's this?" Victoria was startled.
"Who is she?" Victoria asked Elijah. He looked at Emily.
"I'm his wife." Emily said and showed Victoria her ring. Victoria was furious and scared at the same time.
"Elijah?" Victoria asked.
"Elijah?" Emily asked. Elijah looked at Emily.
Alice: You don’t have to specifically state where everyone – oh, I give up.
"Look Victoria, she's dead. I would never marry her." He made a gesture with Emily's skeleton arm. Emily grew angry. She grabbed Elijah.
"Hopscotch!" Emily yelled. They started to fade away. Elijah reached his arm out to Victoria but then his hand went away.
Victor: Like in Back To The Future?
Alice: Quick, someone get William and Nell to kiss by playing “Earth Angel!”
"I can't believe you did this to me!" Emily walked around her bedroom.
Emily: Shouldn’t we have materialized back in the tower? I certainly don’t live there!
Alice: It’s that Lovecraftian geography again.
"You brought your soon to be wife around and then criticized me when she was there?
Victor: You followed him!
How could you? And then you act like just because I'm dead doesn't mean I can't have love! My chance was taken away from me!"
Emily: Wait a minute, other-me, he told you straight out he was getting married to a living woman and that this was all a mistake! In fact, why did you go Upstairs in the first place if you knew he had another fiancee waiting for him? Were you trying to reunite them, trying to prove your superiority to the other woman – what? What’s happening between you two?
Alice: Logic is this fic’s enemy, Emily.
"Listen Emily," Elijah became a man. "you have heard my story and I will say it again. I said my vows to Victoria,
Victor: Actually, you said them to no one in particular, but we’ll let that slide.
you came to kidnap me and take me to your underworld with all of these dead people! Haven't you noticed already Emily? Reality check, I am alive you are dead there is nothing you can change about that!"
Victoria: You don’t want to be married to this man, Emily. I don’t want to marry him. What a nasty way of putting things.
Emily looked at him.
"Fine. If you want to be that way." She took off the ring. "Here is your stupid ring." She threw it at him.
Emily: Good, I’ve grown a spine. Next time, don’t attempt to still chase after the affianced man.
Victor: Er –
Emily: You never actually told me Victoria was your fiancé.
Victor: Good point.
"And when your lover dies, just remember, she is dead and there is nothing you can do about it."
Alice: *tilts head* I’m not sure if that’s a good parting shot or not. Readers?
Emily walked away. Elijah grew mad and went to Master Boswell.
"What can I do for you my friend?" He asked. Elijah hesitated for a minute.
"I need to go back upstairs." Elijah stated. Master Boswell's dark skeleton eyes widened.
Victor: Quite impressive, considering eyesockets aren’t know for being able to do that.
"Weren't you up there a minute ago?"
"I need to go back. I don't belong here-"
"No one belongs here, lad." Master Boswell.
Alice: Verb please!
"The people came here because they died by a mistake. Chef Chen,
Emily: If you’re going to change everyone’s names, could you at least make them ones you’d be likely to find in Eng – never mind, we have no idea where this is actually set.
he was accidentally stabbed in his own back, literally.
Alice: As opposed to someone else’s back?
I, myself, came down here right after my first son was born. I was devastated when I found out I was dead."
Victoria: That’s terribly sad, but you’ve left out how you died.
Boswell pointed his skinny finger in Elijah's face. "And as for you, go apologize to Emily. She helped you get upstairs and you repay her for this?
Victor: Well, repaying her is only polite, I’m sure. Granted, repaying her by revealing I’m in love with someone else is rather poor repayment. . . .
She was killed by her one true love. All she wanted was love and you had to take that away from her."
"That's not true!" Elijah snapped. He walked closer to Master Boswell. "I broke my back to get that ring on Victoria's finger and she was wearing it!
Victor: *spluttering* Wh-bu-what?! Weren’t you on your way home to propose when – are you married or aren’t you?!
Alice: Author, if you’re going to go in a different direction with the story after you’ve started writing, you have to actually go back and change the earlier parts!
Me and Victoria love each other and she can't live without me!" The back door opened. It was Emily.
Emily: Now what am I doing back here? And how did I know where he was?
"Elijah," Victoria started.
Victoria: What? Did we have another scene change?
"I'm sorry. I should have never did this to you. You're right, I am dead and there's nothing you can do about it."
Emily: That bit at the end makes me sound like I’m taunting him. Rather odd apology.
Elijah looked at Master Boswell. There was a moment of silence.
"No. It's not you fault." He put the ring on her finger. "Emily, for your sake, will you marry me?"
*ALL GAPE*
Victor: But – wha – how – why – Victoria – Barkis – piano – what?!?
Emily: Why is he proposing?! Aren’t we supposed to have a couple of tender scenes to show we like each other first? Where’s the piano duet, I like the piano duet!
Victoria: And isn’t he only supposed to do that after he knows I’m not available to him anymore? This fic didn’t make it clear that he knew I was forcibly re-engaged to Barkis! It didn’t make that clear to anyone, actually! One can guess from the end of the previous chapter, I suppose, but still!
Alice: Not to mention we’re not entirely sure if he’s married to you or not anymore!
Victor: *now pissed off* This will not stand! Explain, fic, EXPLAIN!
Master Boswell and Emily, herself were surprised as Elijah was.
"U-um, I d-don't know." Emily said. She started shaking.
Emily: Say no! He’s a possible bigamist! *looking up* And you keep quiet, Miss “Threesomes Solve Everything.”
I wasn’t going to say anything!
Then she kissed him. "Yes I will."
5
The town bell ringed.
Alice: *face back in hands*
Victoria: *trying to be diplomatic* Maybe the author’s not out of childhood yet.
Bone Jangles was on the street telling everyone that Elijah and Emily were getting married. Again. "Listen everyone! The ceremony will be taken upstairs!" Everyone gasped.
"Wow. It's been a while since I've been up there." A zombie said.
Emily: I don’t doubt it, considering most of you have forgotten it exists.
Bone jangles laughed.
"It's been a long time since anyone has been upstairs. But now that's about to change." He grabbed Elijah while he was walking past them. "My boy Elijah is going to plan the wedding. So Master Boswell is going to be the pastor."
Victor: If he’s planning the wedding, doesn’t he have a say in who officiates?
Emily: No, of course not.
Every clapped their hands. Emily and Elijah smiled. He stepped forward.
"Everyone, get ready! We need to make everything perfect!" Elijah yelled. The dead people ran to their places. Elijah smiled and walked away when these three zombies walked up to him. The three girls giggled.
"You're not going to a wedding looking like that." She one of them. Elijah observed himself. His shirt was torn, his pants were dirty and his shoes weren't shiny anymore.
Alice: Oh, the horror of unpolished shoes! *puts hand to head*
He frowned. The three took him by the hand and fixed him up.
Victoria: I thought it was supposed to be a bunch of spiders?
Victor: The author is doing her best to remove all the more interesting parts of the movie. Such as the motivation for this whole sequence.
He looked way better than before. Emily saw him while walking through a little alley.
"Elijah I've been looking all over for you!" Emily said. She leaned in and kissed him. He blushed. The three zombie girls giggled.
The rainy night before her wedding, Victoria ran to Pastor Boswell's house.
Alice: You have to warn us when the scene changes, and when the hell is this set in relation to everything else?
Victor: I don’t even care anymore. I just want this to end.
She banged on the door until she heard him opening it. His eyes widened. "Ms. Belle? Why on Earth are you here?" He asked. She was out of breath.
Alice: Your ideas of where the paragraph breaks should be are confusing and irritating.
"I need to ask you something very important." Victoria told him.
"What is it?"
"Can the living marry the dead?" Lightning came crashing down. The pastor's eyes were big.
"Why do you ask such a thing?"
"Elijah Vendor is marrying a corpse!" Pastor Boswell grabbed Victoria by the hand and dragged her to her house.
Victoria: Well, he didn’t waste any time in assuming I was mad.
Emily: Everyone in this twisted universe seems to make snap decisions with little or no information.
"Let me go!"
"You need to have a discussion with your parents!"
Victor: Why? They certainly wouldn’t care about Elijah in this fic, given he was never a candidate for their daughter’s hand.
"My parents aren't going to care! All they want is Barkis' money!" Pastor Boswell stopped.
"What do you ever mean child?"
Alice: “What do you ever” – I’m starting to agree with you, Emily. Maybe English ISN’T her first language.
Victoria snatched her hand away from the pastor.
"Barkis just wants me for my body, he doesn't want me for looks.
Victoria: Isn’t that roughly the same thing? Also, thank you for that mental image, I really needed that.
Alice: You do sarcasm very well.
My parents only want his money."
"I don't believe you." Victoria blushed her clothes to get some of the dirt off. She flipped her hair that was in her face.
Alice: Now what is she, a – what do they call them – valley girl?
"Fine then," she replied. "Don't believe me. But when you tell me to say my vows, I won't make them official."
Victoria: That doesn’t work. I never actually said “I do” to Barkis, yet Pastor Galswells still pronounced us man and wife.
Victor: Really? Isn’t that at least borderline illegal? If you don’t say “I do,” you’re not really married.
Alice: Where did you learn that tidbit?
Victor: *slightly embarrassed* The Princess Bride.
Emily: *giggles* Now I’m picturing you as the Dread Pirate Van Dort.
"But it's essential!" Victoria started to scoff.
"Please. To be honest with you Pastor Boswell, I'd rather die alone than to be with that man. He'll probably kill me if I don't do what he says."
Victoria: I just thought he was a very poor excuse for a lord at this point in the proceedings. Not an actual killer.
Emily: To be fair, this version of you has been engaged to him for a bit longer, it appears.
Victoria: That poor woman.
"Nonsense! I know Barkis, he's a very good gentleman!"
"Pastor, they are all lies! Lies, lies, lies!
Alice: Repeating, repeating, repeating!
I thought you knew better but I guess you don't." Pastor Boswell grew angry at what Victoria said. He grabbed her arm and this time he didn't let go. He dragged her all the way to her home. He banged on the door until her mother answered, her eyes opened.
Alice: Does your mother regularly walk about with her eyes closed, Victoria?
Victor: I think it’s just the author’s tendency toward reporting the obvious again. “In other news, the sky remains blue and people continue to breathe.”
"Victoria! You're supposed to be in your room!" Pastor Boswell threw her into her mother's arms. She felt her mother's nails dig deep into her skin out of anger. "I'm so very sorry Pastor Boswell. We thank you for your patience with our insecure daughter." She closed the door gently and slapped Victoria across the face. "How many times have I told you? You are getting married and that's final! I don't care if I have to strap you onto your bed and roll you down the aisle!
Alice: *trying not to laugh* I’m sorry, that’s just actually a rather funny image.
Victoria: *giggling* It is, a bit.
You will marry Barkis!"
Victoria sat in her room where the doors to her patio were boarded.
Emily: The door, however, was completely unlocked, so the next morning. . . .
Victoria: Author, I have a BALCONY. Not a porch or a patio. A BALCONY.
That very next day, at the very specific time,
Victor: Which, of course, you’re not actually going to tell us.
Victoria was in her wedding dress. Her eyes were big and her palms and face were completely pale.
Victoria: My – *stares at her hands in puzzlement* Aren’t your palms ALWAYS pale?
Alice: On that matter, aren’t your eyes always big, considering who designed you?
Her maid, a very tall, skinny, frail old lady stood behind her lacing the back of her veil.
Emily: Lacing – what sort of veil is this? Does it double as a corset?
"Dear, I know this is very hard for you…but please cooperate with us. We're only trying to help you."
"Help me with what?" Victoria snapped. "All of you are trying to ruin my life. All I wanted is to get help so I can save Elijah…that's all I wanted."
"Victoria, love, please-"
"Ellen, you don't understand. There is a thin line between love and control. I love Elijah but you all are controlling me, trying to make me love someone else."
Victoria: That example made little to no sense. In fact, the entire paragraph makes little to no sense.
Victor: The entire FIC makes little to no sense.
The old woman was finished. She sighed.
"Well dear, if you really love Elijah, follow your dreams. That's all I have to say."
Alice: Thank you for that completely useless advice. I’m sure she’s thrilled.
Victoria's mother busted through the doors.
Victor: I’d do a Kool-Aid man joke, but I don’t think I have the proper voice for a good “Oh yeah!”
"Everyone is downstairs! Start walking with your father! Now!" Victoria glanced at Ellen. But the woman didn't give an expression at all. Then the evil mother and the innocent bride went out the door.
Every dead person that Emily knew was up in the regular world.
Emily: It really would have killed you to put in scene changes, wouldn’t it?
They all were headed to Pastor Boswell's church. And when they got there, there was a lot of commotion. "Stay back! All you demons from hell! This is a holy area and-"
"Quiet down, we're in a church," One zombie said. Pastor Boswell's jaw dropped, then he ran away.
Victor: Oh, really now, do you have to change all the best parts into pale imitations of themselves?
Unfortunately, Victoria's wedding was already finished.
Victoria: You’re not even going to show my wedding?!
Alice: This fic reminds me of a puzzle that someone lost half the pieces too, then stuck the rest together randomly.
Her reception was in her house. Everyone was silent. "Everyone please quiet down!" Lord Barkis yelled. There was a long pause. "Thank you! I would like to have a toast to my dear Victoria. Let all of our dreams come true." Barkis tapped Victoria's glass.
Victoria: My family is still rich enough to afford separate glasses for people. Tap your own glass.
Her eyes were bloodshot and her mouth was closed.
"Here comes the bride!" One zombie cooed. Emily walked down the isle
Emily: An island wedding! That’s rather romantic.
with a bouquet of dead flowers in her hand. She looked beautiful, her azure blue hair
Alice: *bites finger to keep from screaming*
shined in the moonlight, her light blue dead skin sparkled and her smile filled Elijah's heart.
Victor: Is it all right if I call him a two-timing b-bastard?
Emily: Fine with me.
Victoria: I have no problem with it.
When she walked up to Elijah and Master Boswell, Elijah was speechless. "Tonight we are gathered here because two people fell in love with each other," Master Boswell said out loud.
Alice: No, we’re here because someone decided to randomly propose to someone else even after telling her he had another fiancée whom he couldn’t live without.
"Are you sure you want to drink this, child?" He whispered. Elijah nodded.
Victor: Drink what? You didn’t mention the Wine of Ages before! Of course, since you seem determined to cut out everything truly important to the plot. . . .
"For Emily's sake…" He said. Emily smiled. Elijah placed the ring on Emily's finger.
Emily: I already have the –
Alice: Never mind that, Emily, we’re almost done.
A loud moaning came from the main dining hall, in Victoria's parent's house.
Alice: She actually made a slight effort at establishing where we are when the scene changed?!
*all pretend to faint from shock*
Lord Barkis looked around, trying to figure out where the source of the noise is coming from. "Victoria, do you know where that noise is coming from?" Barkis asked her.
"No, Barkis I don't know."
Victoria's father, who was drinking some of his soup, sat there silent. Then all of a sudden, a large eye drop in the bowl. "There's an eye, in me soup!" One lady screamed.
Victoria's father turned around and saw a skeleton, Bone Jangles, smiling with no eyeballs. He screamed.
Emily: What – why is Bonejangles there?! Shouldn’t all of the dead be at the church?
Victoria: Perhaps he doesn’t approve of Elijah as the groom.
Emily: Okay, that’s a decent reason.
Everything went crazy. People ran away from the dead people and Lord Barkis hid under a table. Victoria didn't realize he was such a coward. Barkis pulled her under the table with him. "Victoria, let's grab the money and get away from here!" Victoria was confused, she had a puzzled look on her face.
Alice: *doesn’t even bother to bottle it in* AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHH! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT! Oh, God, now you’ve got me repeating. . . .
"Money? What money? We don't have any money. This whole house belongs to the poor house."
"The, the POOR HOUSE?" Victoria grew angry and stood up after she got from under he table.
"Well excuse me Barkis if my family isn't to your qualified standards!" Barkis stood up to her also.
"You lied to me! I thought you were rich!"
Victor: If you’ve been engaged to her for more than a day, you should have figured that out.
Victoria: My parents did do everything in their power to make sure it didn’t become too well-known. But you do have a point.
"Well our guesses were perfectly matched!" Victoria walked away.
Alice: Sure, ruin the poor girl’s Crowning Moment of Awesome.
Victoria: *pleasantly surprised* People consider that my crowning moment of awesome?
Emily: Well, it is a great line – in the original.
Lord Barkis grew furious.
"And for the final touch…" Master Boswell said. "Elijah , you may drink the poison."
Victor: *resigned* I know I should be complaining about more of the plot being cut, but at this point, anything that brings us closer to the end is fine.
Emily had an uneasy look on her face. Elijah picked up the cup and started to drink it until Emily stopped him.
"Elijah, I can't let you do it…" Emily confessed. "I lost my chance a long time ago, and you shouldn't take your life for my mistake." Elijah stared at her.
Victor: *briefly triggers his ghostly self* “You might have mentioned that before I drank some of the poison.”
"Besides, Victoria is here…" Elijah looked over and saw Victoria standing in the middle of the isle.
Alice: And you didn’t even notice her? So much for your purest love that neither of you can live without.
Everyone gasped. Emily made a gesture to Victoria for her to walk to them.
"I want you two do be happy," Emily whispered. She placed he ring in Elijah's hands and Victoria's hands on his.
Then Lord Barkis busted through the church doors. Everyone turned around to see him. "Victoria! C'mon we have to go-" Emily stared at Barkis. "E-Emily?"
"Barkis?"
"You know him?" Elijah asked.
"I thought I left you!" Barkis yelled.
"By death…" Emily said.
Emily: It’s for dead. Your version –
Victor, Victoria, Alice: Makes no sense?
Emily: Actually, I was just going to say, “sounds ridiculous.”
Everyone gasped.
"This woman is frankly delusional!" Barkis ran and grabbed Victoria by the wrist. "C'mon Victoria, we need to get out of here-"
"Get your hands off of her…" Elijah threaten. Barkis scoffed.
"And what are you going to do? Kill me?"
Victor: Not nearly as threatening, but acceptable enough as a taunt.
Elijah ran to him and hit him. Then the two broke off into a fight. One of the zombies threw a sword to Elijah.
Victor: He gets a sword?! I get stuck fighting with a fork, and he gets a SWORD?
Alice: Now you see how I feel about Alice Kingsleigh getting armor.
Barkis grabbed a sharp knife. Barkis cut Elijah's arm deeply which made him bleed a lot. He fell to the ground. "Elijah!" Victoria yelled.
Alice: And now they’re ruining your Crowning Moment of Awesome. I really don’t like this author.
"Now tell me Elijah, can a heart break when it stops beating?" Barkis asked.
Emily: That’s your line to me. I’m over here.
He placed his knife higher and charged toward him, until he hit someone. It wasn't Elijah. It was Emily.
Emily grabbed the knife and pointed it at Barkis. "Leave…" She whispered. He stood there. "LEAVE!"
"Fine…" Barkis said. He walked to the table that held the poisonous drink. "Let me have a drink before I leave this horrid place."
Alice: And there goes Barkis’s big speech.
Victoria: I have to admit, I don’t care particularly much if he loses his moment.
Unfortunately, Barkis didn't know it was poison. He gasped for breath, trying to save the last moments of his life. Until his heart stopped.
Barkis again woke up being a zombie.
Emily: Again? So he’s been dead before?
Victor: “Dear Diary: Woke up dead again this morning. I thought that wine tasted funny.”
All the other zombies were mad because of what he did to Emily.
Alice: No, really? I thought they were upset because they were out of sacramental wine.
"Let's get 'em boys…" Bone Jangles said. Barkis screamed and started to run away. But he didn't make it.
Emily looked back at Elijah and Victoria, who were looking at each other. Elijah glanced at Emily. "I hope you too have a wonderful life," she said. Emily hugged Victoria and Elijah.
Emily: . . . All right, that’s kind of sweet and I sort of wish I’d done that.
"I'm sorry for what Barkis did to you," Elijah apologized. Emily shook her head.
"No it's okay. Finally I'm free…" Emily floated away into butterflies and left away in the moonlight.
Victor: And of course this goes unexplained!
Victoria: It was unexplained in the movie too, though. At least her turning into butterflies.
Victor: I don’t care anymore! I want an explanation!
Emily: I – really like butterflies?
Elijah looked at Victoria and wrapped his arm around her as they watched Emily fly off into the moon.
And so they lived together peacefully, without her parents, or anybody else.
Alice: Mostly because no one else wanted them around.
O.o….The End….o.O
Alice: Finally!
Victor: And those smilies sum up my reaction to this fic beautifully.
Victoria: Why would someone write something like this? Why simply randomly change certain names?
Emily: Not to mention completely ruin the plot.
Victor: At least it didn’t feature any random eight-year-old Japanese-American martial arts masters. *noticing Victoria and Emily staring* That was in the last fic we read.
Victoria: *shakes head* I don’t know how you and Alice do it.
Alice: Nerves of steel, my dear, nerves of steel. And threatening the mun to give us ice cream afterwards.
I’m getting your goddamn Rocky Road, give me a minute.
Gotta love the bad fanfic, right? Hope you enjoyed!
*guitar twang*
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Date: 2010-06-20 04:22 am (UTC)Victor: *now pissed off* This will not stand! Explain, fic, EXPLAIN!
Has Victor been watching the Nostalgia Critic? :p
Victoria: I thought it was supposed to be a bunch of spiders?
How about a legion of SPIDERS?! *makes wavy hand motions*
Okay I'm going to bed now...