Time To Make Fun Of Stuff
Sep. 29th, 2009 10:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
crossover_chickOkay, last night's power outage has not repeated itself, so time for snarkings. :D Victor and Alice take on the text of a joke paper made to look like a 1894 treatise about proper sexual relations, and a list from the May 1955 edition of Housekeeping Monthly about being a good wife. Take it away, you two:
Victor: Er, what is she having is read?
Alice: She says it’s an “instructional booklet.” I suppose that’s our first warning. . . .
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE: on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God.
Alice: That has to be the longest title I’ve seen for any piece of printed matter.
Victor: Something about this just reeks of Pastor Galswells’s approval. That’s never a good sign.
by Ruth Smythers, beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers, Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference. Published in the year of our Lord 1894, Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City.
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing,
Alice: So why do I have to read this?
the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life.
Alice: Terrifying?
Victor: Well, if you’re getting married to me, it’s possible. I might raise the dead, or, slightly less horrifying, set your mother on fire.
Alice: Victor. . .
Victor: What? It’s true!
On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.
Alice: . . . I can’t tell which of us that sentence is objectifying more.
Victor: Grooms really are afterthoughts in most weddings, aren’t they? I saw the ease with which the Everglots switched me out for Barkis.
On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
Victor: O.O Oh. That’s what this booklet is about.
Alice: *snickering* Ooooh, interesting. . . .
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.
Alice: I wasn’t born a woman.
Victor: I sometimes have three scones at tea, instead of two.
Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure!
Victor+Alice: GASP!
Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride.
Alice: Whereas Victor here will have to be taken advantage of.
Victor: Hey, I – I beg your pardon?!
One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
Victor: That is reserved for the brothel houses, where such nasty and dirty things are commonplace.
Alice: I had no idea you knew those things existed.
Victor: Well, if there’s any in Burtonsville, they’re very well hidden, but I did hear some about them in London. . . How do you know about any of this, anyway? You’ve been in bedlam since you were small.
Alice: I’ve been reading up on the subject. You know, “The Internet is for porn. . . .”
On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.
Victor: *startled* Painful? I never heard anything about painful! Those women in the dreadfuls never mentioned anything about it hurting! They seemed to find it –
Alice: *stares, astonished*
Victor: *blushing* Er – rather pleasurable. . .lots of heaving and such. . . . N-not that a-anything truly untoward w-was shown. . . . T-the a-a-activity would get s-started, then we’d f-fade to black. . . .
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Alice: *teasing* Can I expect such nobility and unselfishness from you, Victor? Would you only approach me at my request?
Victor: Well, some encouragement on your part would probably be necessary just because of my nerves.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day.
Alice: Almost?
Victor: One does have to rest.
The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Victor: I can almost see her scheduling it on the calendar: March 2nd – give in to my husband’s improper and lewd advances.
Alice: Also, do laundry and make butterscotch cookies for tea with the Wilkinsons tomorrow.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife’s best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Alice: Better yet, never give your husband any sign you love or care about him at all. That should keep him away from you.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband.
Victor: I hear a cattle prod by the bedside works wonders.
A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
Victor: Well, her sexual contacts, at least.
Alice: With her husband, at any rate.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Alice: Actually showing him any affection? Straight out. What are you, silly?
Victor: You know, I was born ten years after my parents got married. I suppose I was just within the time limit.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices.
Alice: Oh? Would you describe them?
Victor: Alice!
These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions;
Alice: What, like hanging from the ceiling by our toes?
Victor: I’m certain there’s art of some sort of just that on devART.
mouthing the female body;
Alice: *snickers* I don’t know what it is, but “mouthing” just sounds funny.
and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Victor: She’s married to a pastor, isn’t she? How does she know all this?
Alice: Perhaps they don’t practice what they preach.
Victor: . . . OH GOD I JUST PICTURED PASTOR GALSWELLS D-DOING –
Alice: GAH!
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
Alice: Let’s see, Victor, you obviously read stories about sex –
Victor: *mumbling* Sometimes they’re illustrated.
Alice: Oh, that’s two then! Talking about sex – well, I can’t see much of that happening in your house. Nudity?
Victor: Not if I can help it.
Alice: Because it means showing your vile, unclothed body to the world?
Victor: No, because my feet look ridiculous when not encased in at least socks.
Alice: *blink blink*
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness.
Alice: Kinky.
Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Victor: Need not be removed? You have to remove some clothing.
Alice: Perhaps she’s not clear on what sex actually is?
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction,
Alice: Thus making it easier to sneak up and pounce on him from behind.
lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
Victor: Ow! Banged my shin!
Alice: Oh dear, now we can’t have relations! Well, good night!
Victor: Seriously, though, if that was truly the case, I would be in a lot of trouble.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
Alice: And what is excitement, class?
Victor: Immoral in the eyes of the Lord?
Alice: Very good!
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead.
Alice: Harmlessly? If their lips meet, will they both contract some awful disease?
Victor: No, it’ll just stain both their souls for eternity according to this woman.
If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
Victor: All right, she certainly has a point there. My desire has been reduced just reading that.
Alice: Ew – wait, you actually had that desire?
Victor: Ah – uh – well –
Alice: Kinky.
Victor: Oh hush.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Alice: Oh, Victor, did you remember to take that shirt I mended back to your room? I’ve still got to do your socks, of course.
Victor: Yes, I did, Alice. Of course, I could always help you thread your needle, if you know what I mean.
Alice: . . . I didn’t think you had that in you.
Victor: To tell the truth, neither did I.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
Alice: Trying to make his wife enjoy the act is just further proof of his naturally corrupt nature.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pyjamas to thus make connection.
Victor: “Make connection?” She makes it sound like putting together furniture or something.
Alice: It is a case of “Insert Tab A into Slot B,” though, isn’t it?
Victor: That’s never how t-the s-stories described it.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away.
Alice: If he blows the house down, of course, she is permitted to scream.
Victor: “Oh Albert, the upstairs mantlepiece is so hard to dust, and the bedroom linens just won’t get perfectly white anymore, whatever will I do?”
Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress.
Victor: Is that actually possible? I know such things would put me off s-s-- “r-relations;” I’d feel like I was making love to a corpse.
Alice: . . .
Victor: Yes, I’m aware of the irony.
As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
Alice: And you have to clean out the gutters and repaint the window panes and –
Victor: One wonders if the husband wouldn’t just consider gagging the wife.
Alice: Kinky.
Victor: Stop that! You shouldn’t know what that word means!
Alice: Oh? How do you know what it means?
Victor: . . . *blush*
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instil in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued.
Alice: Yes, because turning a perfectly nice and sweet young man into a bundle of neuroses is such a wonderful thing to do.
Victor: Are we feeling bitter on my behalf?
The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband’s desire for sexual expression.
Alice: Whereas the fun wife comes up with ideas on how to express such things more creatively. How do you feel about handcuffs, Victor?
Victor: O.O
Alice: I’m only teasing! . . . Maybe.
Alice: What, there’s more?
Victor: Apparently. This next piece is from the 1950s – the May 1955 edition of Housekeeping Monthly, to be precise. I don’t know why she’s having us comment on this, it’s not even from our time period.
Alice: Must think there’s something that will shock us – all right, let’s see it.
The Good Wife’s Guide
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Alice: Well, nothing wrong with having the meal ready, but this seems to hint that women don’t get hungry.
Victor: My favorite dish is Rocky Road ice cream, can we have that for dinner?
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Victor: He can’t possibly ever see you looking perhaps a bit tired or frazzled, never mind that you live together.
3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Alice: I trust the modern readers can come up with their own “gay means something different now” jokes.
4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
5. Gather up the schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
Alice: Can’t the children get their own schoolbooks and toys?
Victor: Didn’t you know? Women are by nature the automatic maids of the world.
Alice: That only excuses any sons we may have. Daughters, come fulfill your duty and help me!
6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Alice: . . . I do feel happy when Victor’s happy, but this seems to be taking it a little far.
Victor: I’m honestly slightly unnerved by that.
7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Alice: Oh NO. I hated those times when my parents insisted I act like a little doll for company, I’m not inflicting that on my own children.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Victor: I hear duct tape does wonders for that.
Alice: *laughing despite herself* Victor!
8. Be happy to see him.
Alice: Nothing wrong with this one, especially when compared to Miss Never Show Your Husband You Care’s essay above.
9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Alice: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!
Victor: What if I don’t want to talk about my day? What if I’m more interested in seeing how she is?
Alice: Oh, we couldn’t possibly do that. Your life is far, far more important than mine.
11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Alice: But if he’s going off other places without you, he’s not being at home and relaxing, is he?
Victor: I’m suddenly picturing the husband strapped into his chair with the wife standing over him, insisting that he will relax.
Alice: Kin–
Victor: DON’T.
12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Alice: Your spirit, of course, was broken long ago, so it doesn’t matter.
13. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Victor: Well, unless the plumbing’s gone berserk or some such – he might be interested in why he came home to a tidal wave.
14. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Alice: Considering I’m apparently supposed to watch the proverbial 2.5 children, clean the house, do all the chores, cook all the food, and still manage to greet him looking like a model – I think I have the right to complain!
15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Alice: Oooh, the bedroom??
Victor: Alice, remember, this scenario assumes children are present.
Alice: Oh, right.
16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Alice: Take off his shoes?? What’s so hard about taking off shoes?
Victor: I haven’t the slightest idea. Perhaps if the laces are knotted up too tightly. . . .
17. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Alice: *looks a bit like she does after she gets hit with a rage box*
Victor: Goodness. It’s amazing they think women should be allowed to talk at all.
Alice: I’m from the Victorian Era, and even I know this is full of shit.
18. A good wife always knows her place.
Alice: Her place? HER PLACE?! And where would that be, hmm? Forever stuck playing the pretty dress-up doll to her husband?! You’re not stopping me from doing as I like!
Victor: *holds up his handkerchief as a white flag of surrender* I don’t endorse any of this, I swear!
Alice: Not yelling at you, I just – ugh. Happy, Vic?
Yes, I believe I am. XD You can find the texts without commentary here. (I should mention I got the Good Wife list from a scan further down on the webpage, not the list you see first.)
Not much else to say except that Linkara was in fine form tonight. Did you know there was a KOOL-AID MAN COMIC?! Ooh, the things people will do for cash. . . .
Victor: Er, what is she having is read?
Alice: She says it’s an “instructional booklet.” I suppose that’s our first warning. . . .
INSTRUCTION AND ADVICE FOR THE YOUNG BRIDE: on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God.
Alice: That has to be the longest title I’ve seen for any piece of printed matter.
Victor: Something about this just reeks of Pastor Galswells’s approval. That’s never a good sign.
by Ruth Smythers, beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers, Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference. Published in the year of our Lord 1894, Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City.
To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing,
Alice: So why do I have to read this?
the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and most terrifying day of her life.
Alice: Terrifying?
Victor: Well, if you’re getting married to me, it’s possible. I might raise the dead, or, slightly less horrifying, set your mother on fire.
Alice: Victor. . .
Victor: What? It’s true!
On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life.
Alice: . . . I can’t tell which of us that sentence is objectifying more.
Victor: Grooms really are afterthoughts in most weddings, aren’t they? I saw the ease with which the Everglots switched me out for Barkis.
On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.
Victor: O.O Oh. That’s what this booklet is about.
Alice: *snickering* Ooooh, interesting. . . .
At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth.
Alice: I wasn’t born a woman.
Victor: I sometimes have three scones at tea, instead of two.
Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure!
Victor+Alice: GASP!
Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride.
Alice: Whereas Victor here will have to be taken advantage of.
Victor: Hey, I – I beg your pardon?!
One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.
Victor: That is reserved for the brothel houses, where such nasty and dirty things are commonplace.
Alice: I had no idea you knew those things existed.
Victor: Well, if there’s any in Burtonsville, they’re very well hidden, but I did hear some about them in London. . . How do you know about any of this, anyway? You’ve been in bedlam since you were small.
Alice: I’ve been reading up on the subject. You know, “The Internet is for porn. . . .”
On the other hand, the bride’s terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.
Victor: *startled* Painful? I never heard anything about painful! Those women in the dreadfuls never mentioned anything about it hurting! They seemed to find it –
Alice: *stares, astonished*
Victor: *blushing* Er – rather pleasurable. . .lots of heaving and such. . . . N-not that a-anything truly untoward w-was shown. . . . T-the a-a-activity would get s-started, then we’d f-fade to black. . . .
It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.
Alice: *teasing* Can I expect such nobility and unselfishness from you, Victor? Would you only approach me at my request?
Victor: Well, some encouragement on your part would probably be necessary just because of my nerves.
Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day.
Alice: Almost?
Victor: One does have to rest.
The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.
Victor: I can almost see her scheduling it on the calendar: March 2nd – give in to my husband’s improper and lewd advances.
Alice: Also, do laundry and make butterscotch cookies for tea with the Wilkinsons tomorrow.
Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife’s best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.
Alice: Better yet, never give your husband any sign you love or care about him at all. That should keep him away from you.
Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband.
Victor: I hear a cattle prod by the bedside works wonders.
A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.
Victor: Well, her sexual contacts, at least.
Alice: With her husband, at any rate.
By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.
Alice: Actually showing him any affection? Straight out. What are you, silly?
Victor: You know, I was born ten years after my parents got married. I suppose I was just within the time limit.
Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices.
Alice: Oh? Would you describe them?
Victor: Alice!
These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions;
Alice: What, like hanging from the ceiling by our toes?
Victor: I’m certain there’s art of some sort of just that on devART.
mouthing the female body;
Alice: *snickers* I don’t know what it is, but “mouthing” just sounds funny.
and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.
Victor: She’s married to a pastor, isn’t she? How does she know all this?
Alice: Perhaps they don’t practice what they preach.
Victor: . . . OH GOD I JUST PICTURED PASTOR GALSWELLS D-DOING –
Alice: GAH!
Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are the obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.
Alice: Let’s see, Victor, you obviously read stories about sex –
Victor: *mumbling* Sometimes they’re illustrated.
Alice: Oh, that’s two then! Talking about sex – well, I can’t see much of that happening in your house. Nudity?
Victor: Not if I can help it.
Alice: Because it means showing your vile, unclothed body to the world?
Victor: No, because my feet look ridiculous when not encased in at least socks.
Alice: *blink blink*
A wise bride will make it the goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness.
Alice: Kinky.
Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pyjamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.
Victor: Need not be removed? You have to remove some clothing.
Alice: Perhaps she’s not clear on what sex actually is?
Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction,
Alice: Thus making it easier to sneak up and pounce on him from behind.
lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.
Victor: Ow! Banged my shin!
Alice: Oh dear, now we can’t have relations! Well, good night!
Victor: Seriously, though, if that was truly the case, I would be in a lot of trouble.
When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.
Alice: And what is excitement, class?
Victor: Immoral in the eyes of the Lord?
Alice: Very good!
If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead.
Alice: Harmlessly? If their lips meet, will they both contract some awful disease?
Victor: No, it’ll just stain both their souls for eternity according to this woman.
If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.
Victor: All right, she certainly has a point there. My desire has been reduced just reading that.
Alice: Ew – wait, you actually had that desire?
Victor: Ah – uh – well –
Alice: Kinky.
Victor: Oh hush.
If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.
Alice: Oh, Victor, did you remember to take that shirt I mended back to your room? I’ve still got to do your socks, of course.
Victor: Yes, I did, Alice. Of course, I could always help you thread your needle, if you know what I mean.
Alice: . . . I didn’t think you had that in you.
Victor: To tell the truth, neither did I.
Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment.
Alice: Trying to make his wife enjoy the act is just further proof of his naturally corrupt nature.
The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pyjamas to thus make connection.
Victor: “Make connection?” She makes it sound like putting together furniture or something.
Alice: It is a case of “Insert Tab A into Slot B,” though, isn’t it?
Victor: That’s never how t-the s-stories described it.
She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away.
Alice: If he blows the house down, of course, she is permitted to scream.
Victor: “Oh Albert, the upstairs mantlepiece is so hard to dust, and the bedroom linens just won’t get perfectly white anymore, whatever will I do?”
Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress.
Victor: Is that actually possible? I know such things would put me off s-s-- “r-relations;” I’d feel like I was making love to a corpse.
Alice: . . .
Victor: Yes, I’m aware of the irony.
As soon as the husband has completed the act, the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.
Alice: And you have to clean out the gutters and repaint the window panes and –
Victor: One wonders if the husband wouldn’t just consider gagging the wife.
Alice: Kinky.
Victor: Stop that! You shouldn’t know what that word means!
Alice: Oh? How do you know what it means?
Victor: . . . *blush*
One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband’s home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instil in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued.
Alice: Yes, because turning a perfectly nice and sweet young man into a bundle of neuroses is such a wonderful thing to do.
Victor: Are we feeling bitter on my behalf?
The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband’s desire for sexual expression.
Alice: Whereas the fun wife comes up with ideas on how to express such things more creatively. How do you feel about handcuffs, Victor?
Victor: O.O
Alice: I’m only teasing! . . . Maybe.
Alice: What, there’s more?
Victor: Apparently. This next piece is from the 1950s – the May 1955 edition of Housekeeping Monthly, to be precise. I don’t know why she’s having us comment on this, it’s not even from our time period.
Alice: Must think there’s something that will shock us – all right, let’s see it.
The Good Wife’s Guide
1. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking of him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.
Alice: Well, nothing wrong with having the meal ready, but this seems to hint that women don’t get hungry.
Victor: My favorite dish is Rocky Road ice cream, can we have that for dinner?
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Victor: He can’t possibly ever see you looking perhaps a bit tired or frazzled, never mind that you live together.
3. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.
Alice: I trust the modern readers can come up with their own “gay means something different now” jokes.
4. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives.
5. Gather up the schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.
Alice: Can’t the children get their own schoolbooks and toys?
Victor: Didn’t you know? Women are by nature the automatic maids of the world.
Alice: That only excuses any sons we may have. Daughters, come fulfill your duty and help me!
6. Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.
Alice: . . . I do feel happy when Victor’s happy, but this seems to be taking it a little far.
Victor: I’m honestly slightly unnerved by that.
7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
Alice: Oh NO. I hated those times when my parents insisted I act like a little doll for company, I’m not inflicting that on my own children.
Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.
Victor: I hear duct tape does wonders for that.
Alice: *laughing despite herself* Victor!
8. Be happy to see him.
Alice: Nothing wrong with this one, especially when compared to Miss Never Show Your Husband You Care’s essay above.
9. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.
10. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.
Alice: I BEG YOUR PARDON?!
Victor: What if I don’t want to talk about my day? What if I’m more interested in seeing how she is?
Alice: Oh, we couldn’t possibly do that. Your life is far, far more important than mine.
11. Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.
Alice: But if he’s going off other places without you, he’s not being at home and relaxing, is he?
Victor: I’m suddenly picturing the husband strapped into his chair with the wife standing over him, insisting that he will relax.
Alice: Kin–
Victor: DON’T.
12. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order, and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.
Alice: Your spirit, of course, was broken long ago, so it doesn’t matter.
13. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems.
Victor: Well, unless the plumbing’s gone berserk or some such – he might be interested in why he came home to a tidal wave.
14. Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.
Alice: Considering I’m apparently supposed to watch the proverbial 2.5 children, clean the house, do all the chores, cook all the food, and still manage to greet him looking like a model – I think I have the right to complain!
15. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Alice: Oooh, the bedroom??
Victor: Alice, remember, this scenario assumes children are present.
Alice: Oh, right.
16. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.
Alice: Take off his shoes?? What’s so hard about taking off shoes?
Victor: I haven’t the slightest idea. Perhaps if the laces are knotted up too tightly. . . .
17. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.
Alice: *looks a bit like she does after she gets hit with a rage box*
Victor: Goodness. It’s amazing they think women should be allowed to talk at all.
Alice: I’m from the Victorian Era, and even I know this is full of shit.
18. A good wife always knows her place.
Alice: Her place? HER PLACE?! And where would that be, hmm? Forever stuck playing the pretty dress-up doll to her husband?! You’re not stopping me from doing as I like!
Victor: *holds up his handkerchief as a white flag of surrender* I don’t endorse any of this, I swear!
Alice: Not yelling at you, I just – ugh. Happy, Vic?
Yes, I believe I am. XD You can find the texts without commentary here. (I should mention I got the Good Wife list from a scan further down on the webpage, not the list you see first.)
Not much else to say except that Linkara was in fine form tonight. Did you know there was a KOOL-AID MAN COMIC?! Ooh, the things people will do for cash. . . .
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Date: 2009-09-30 02:51 am (UTC)Tell Vic to get more fic out. Yanno...like WWC. Hehe... *runs*
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Date: 2009-09-30 08:16 pm (UTC)I'm working on it, I'm working on it. :p
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Date: 2009-09-30 06:14 am (UTC)But that 1955 one? Yeah like Lorraine would ever do that!
Not even Stella seems to, she's bitching out Sam over the TV set! :OD
But seriously married life must have been SAD for anyone who followed the rules in that 1894 guide!
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Date: 2009-09-30 06:51 am (UTC)i think lorraine and george would do the 1955 one with the gender roles reversed. lorraine strikes me as a thinly veiled ballbuster.
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Date: 2009-09-30 08:19 pm (UTC)The 1955 one, however, actually DOES look real, which is kind of yikes-inducing. I know, I can't see Lorraine following THAT little script.
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Date: 2009-10-01 03:56 am (UTC)But then they used to say 'Just lie back and think of England' so I'm thinking for some sexy good times...were not so good. :OP
I would be curious to know what sex ed was like back then - such as it was. I mean they didn't just toss girls into it without so much as a warning I hope!
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Date: 2009-10-01 08:26 pm (UTC)I've tried Googling it -- didn't come up with much, but what little I've seen says that they might just have been! Yeeps.
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Date: 2009-09-30 06:51 am (UTC)high fives all around!
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Date: 2009-09-30 08:19 pm (UTC)*high fives!*